Rollercoasters

I haven't been able to sleep. I've hidden it from people the past couple of days. My mind has been on a constant roller coaster of emotions, and it shows no signs of slowing down or smoothing out. With each day it seems to be building up speed as new things are added to it.

While all this has been happening I've felt an odd pull towards things I once deemed malarkey. I find myself wishing I could turn back the clock to when I made the choice to distance myself from the church. I'm not saying I am willing to look past all the bad that has come of it, and I'm not saying that I believe the gospel is a form of evil but what I'm saying is that it's been such a long time since I've felt something. I don't know what you may call it, but I call it love.

I have a loving family. They show me how much they love me, but it hasn't hit me. I always question why I'd deserve it when I spent the first half of my life being the girl that tears others down. A bully. Why would parents and siblings love a person that made others feel less than their best?

It was tonight that I realized I have the most amazing people in my life and I don't think they even know how amazing they are. Their words of comfort brought me to tears, and I found myself questioning all the bad I'd thought of over the past few days.

I play the victim. I do. At times I choose to look at things negatively because that's easier to do than searching for the small glimmer of light within the sea of muddled thoughts and hurt feelings.

I'm not saying I'm now a perfect being, but I AM saying that I am one step closer to becoming a person I'm proud of. So many times I look in the mirror and automatically zoom in on the fact that my waistline isn't the smallest, or the fact that sometimes I don't feel like trying so I stay in my pj's and eat ice cream.

I choose to overlook the fact that I have a nice smile that I've worked hard to maintain, or the fact that I have strong legs that can carry me as I run miles through the hazardous weather outside. I overlook the fact that I have curves, and that I not only am beautiful on the outside, but on the inside

Why do we do that? Why do we as a human race look at the bad, and feel we are a burden unless we have hordes of people paying us compliments, and even then CHOOSE to negate those good feelings and still see the imperfections?

I said that I'd help those with their body image, but how am I to do that when I still see the 215 pound girl crying in the mirror, and wishing desperately that she could change? People still loved me at that weight, and just because I loved food a little to much, I was happier then. I didn't feel worthless. I felt like I could concur the world. And as I lost that weight I lost sight of myself.

Where is that child like naivety that makes life so enjoyable? That same way of thinking that is squashed when we see the damsel in movies as this beautiful woman who gets the guy in the end? The thought process that disappears as we look through magazines and define beautiful as a girl with the body of a small child, and the perfectly symmetrical face? Yes, those girls are beautiful in their own right, but we are ALL beautiful.

And I question why I live such a privileged life and feel terrible for those less fortunate, and sit in my room crying at night wishing I could change someones life for the better. I do this, and yet don't get up to help those that live next door, or those that I see walking along the street. I don't care enough about myself to focus my efforts of caring on me.

Selfishness is not accepting that you're amazing, and accepting compliments when they are given. The true form of selfishness is to choose to ignore. And even when we feel there is no ability to change, we pick ourselves up and just do it. That's what's great about humanity. We adapt. We grow, and we learn.

I had an epiphany tonight. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the chance and just let myself show. For once I felt like I could say how I felt and my friends wouldn't abandon me. I'm not saying that I didn't have good friends before tonight. I'm saying that I knew something was going to happen. I felt a strong unexplainable need to share my life, and it was my choice to let others in. It was my choice to lean on others in a way I hadn't done before. These friends were so willing to open their hearts to listen to me vent. They were willing to console me as I cried, and because of it something beautiful happened.

We learned together.

So take what I write and run with it. Don't sit around waiting for the change to happen. You could be the change someone needs. Love one another. Let your loved ones know, and don't think that your trials and burdens are any less than others. We are all trying to get through this life and we need one another to do it. Allow others to lean on you, and they will return the favor.

I love you all. I don't say it enough. But I want to start.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.