Friday, December 31, 2010

The New Year

I spent the last month in a blurred haze of work, school, and sleep. I quit my job that caused stress and where I was being harassed and although it eased my stress it didn't change the fact that I had two other jobs, and was trying to manage getting through an eating disorder and depression.

I wouldn't want to blame my terrible job for the relapse into an eating disorder, but I think it played a big part. So many times over the past couple of months I have debated sharing my experience with friends about anorexia, bulimia, gym addiction, and other...less than sane ways of losing weight.

With the year coming to a close, and a new one in sight I decided that I needed to take time to work on myself, and to get up the guts to share my experiences in the hopes of not only helping myself but others.

It was through media, and the pressures of being a girl that was surrounded by friends getting married and me not ever being in a relationship that drove me from my healthy living, and healthy ways of losing weight into a dangerous road of starvation, overexertion, and depression.

With every pound that I lost I would get compliments on my appearance. This constant support and the fact that I hit a plateau in my weight loss made me feel like I needed to find a new way to lose the weight that just didn't want to come off.

I began to work out a minimum of 2 hours a day, and would eat under 500 calories. I would water log myself everyday, and lay in bed with an empty stomach and an even emptier soul. I could see my personality slipping away, and I wanted to change, but not until I reached my goal and looked like the girls you see in the magazine.

It was a thrown out hip, and an emotional breakdown that led to me lying on my bathroom floor after trying to throw up that made me realize I needed to change while there was still time for me.

This wasn't a talk I was looking forward to having with my family, but I knew it needed to happen. I remember her in her bathroom getting ready for bed. I sad on her cold porcelain tub and closed the door behind me so my dad wouldn't see me as I bawled. I told her everything, and we decided it was time to get help.

Therapy, anti-depressants, and exercise have led me to a point where I can eat food again and not regret every calorie that goes into my mouth. Unfortunately weight gain was inevitable, and because of it I've become embarrassed the person I've once again become. It was only 5 or 10 pounds but a whopping 20 and I sit in bed staring at the clock this very second wondering what this new year will bring. I haven't been this weight for almost 2 years, and a part of me feels SO desperate for a new life, and another part is thankful for the fact that although I may be heftier I am definitely healthier as well.

This new year is going to bring me a lot of experiences. It's undeniable due to the fact that I'm going to be traveling through Europe and the fact that I plan to move to Texas to experience life independently. One thing life and these trials that I still go through EVERY day has taught is that you can't wait for your life to change. You have to take the initiative and do it yourself.

I once told someone that I didn't plan on growing up until I was 20 and the word "teen" wasn't in my age anymore. I see so many things both little and big that have changed for me, and my view on things has changed as well.

I started this blog to share my life and my adventures and, although I don't want to admit it, I think it truly saved my life. I transferred my obsessions to finding something new to do everyday instead of noticing if I ate more than I had normally allowed myself. I didn't do it for those purposes but it's amazing what blessings come out of random things.

I plan on starting my goal again for the new year. I plan on doing something new everyday and writing about it because it DID help me, and I hope it helped others, just as I hope sharing a piece of my disorders may help someone. It's only one goal among many that I hope to complete this year. I took the liberty to write them down, and I hope that you dear reader can help me, encourage me, and be there with me each step of the way.

My Goals for the year 2011...
1. Backpack through Europe and enjoy every part of it. (Even if we end up in horrible conditions)
2. Run a 10k. (If anyone would like to do this with me I would love the help and company)
3. Go on a road trip somewhere either alone or with someone.
4. Find something new that I love about myself each day.
5. Ride a motorcycle.
6. Go snowboarding.
7. Go snowmobiling.
8. Help a stranger.
9. To find the strength inside myself to go back to living a healthy life. (With or without weight loss)
10. Make sure I take advantage of the time I have and tell my loved ones how I feel about them.
11. Walk with my head held high, smile on my face, and shoulders back.
12. Save a portion of my paychecks for retirement.
13. To get closer to my family.
14. To not expect perfection out of myself.

These are my New Years goals, and I hope that everyone takes this time to reflect on your own life. To learn about yourself and what you want is the greatest things anyone can do for themselves.

I love all of you, and I hope that this new year brings about new happiness.