Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I was sitting in bed last night unable to sleep...when I say last night, I'm talking 2 in the morning.

As I talked to a friend it became abundantly clear what I need to do. I'm having a hard time living my life, and being happy with who I am. It makes it hard to focus on my life when I'm just sitting at a computer. I spend SO much time wasting away the day on facebook, and other internet programs.

I made the leap and decided to deactivate my account. I'm having facebook withdrawals. So this is what I'm going to do. I shall list off things that I can do to distract me from reactivating my account.

1. Washing my car.
2. Go to the zoo.
3. Pet my cat Jinks.
4. Time travel.
5. Find new music.
6. working out.
7. Making goodies to take to friends.
8. Find ways to do service.
9. Read a book.
10. Practice guitar.
11. Take a walk.
12. Take a nap.
13. Run a marathon.
14. Catch up with old friends.
15. Make others laugh at my expense.

Speaking of making others laugh...I had to go to work at Ross to talk about my scheduling, and while there I decided to put on a fashion show for some of my coworkers which quickly turned into me dressing up and making all the customers laugh. That was until one Debbie Downer told one of the cashiers to stop getting distracted because she was going to slow.

Why do sour pusses have to bring everyone down with them?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

You know how my last posts have been positive?

This one may not be.

I have come to know a few things over the past couple days.

1. I am addicted to food.
You may ask why that is a bad thing. Well I'll tell you. With other addictions you have the opportunity to steer clear of the vice. With food there is a problem. You have to eat it to survive, and if you are forced to be around it everyday it makes it near impossible to overcome the addiction. I believe this addiction has always been inside of me but when I chose to deprive my body of food for a couple months I made it so it is now in survival mood. I can wake up in the morning with little care in the world as to whether I will binge that day. I believe I have the strength to overcome the addiction. It changes when I get a piece of food in my mouth. The trigger is set and I begin to binge. I eat things I don't care for, and I eat until my stomach has swelled and my ribs are causing me pain. I lie in bed trying to wait until the food digests so I can work out, or do ANYTHING and instead eat more once the pain has gone. I used to love to run but haven't been able to for months. I begin and I'm in pain because of all that I've consumed, and the fact that I'm carrying 30 pounds of weight that I haven't carried in years.

2. I can try to be positive but at the end of the day it's like I am stuck in a fat suit. I can try to see myself as the world sees me but I try and deny that image due to some coworkers commenting on my weight gain. Why would I want to see what the world sees when they see a girl who is gaining weight? It sometimes feels worse gaining the weight than being at the weight I was. People expect a fat person to be fat, but they don't expect an average sized human being to expand.

3. I'm not 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was my lightest. I try not to weight myself in hopes that one day I'll get on and the numbers will be lower. Although the numbers aren't important it feels like the scale is once again in control of my emotions and whether I binge during the day.

4. Eating disorders may have a physical manifestation, but it isn't the disorder. It's a symptom. Although I haven't gotten to a scary number when I was my lightest, and although I had my period regularly, it didn't mean that I wasn't anorexic. I believe limiting yourself to 500 calories a day, drinking almost twice the amount of water they tell you to, and working out over 2 hours a day qualifies me as something being messed up in my brain.

This is what irritates me the most. I believe that I need to take some time for myself. I think that I need to get away from the pressures of work, boys, religion, and financial burden so that I can take time for me. Unfortunately I don't have the money. Unfortunately my insurance won't cover the charges for inpatient care.

Something needs to change within our country. The percentage of obesity is on the rise, and the media pressure is at an all time high. Overeating can be a symptom of the eating disorder way of thinking. The eating disorder is more an emotional disorder than anything else, and any odd way of eating can constitute a disorder of some sort. We need to make it easier for people to get the help they need to overcome the underlying issues.

I'm irate by the fact that I can't do this on my own, and a therapist likes to focus on whether or not I've been abused as a child. The answer is NO. I have not been abused as a child, and it isn't a cause. I need someone that has dealt with eating disorders. I need help. I want help. I'm asking for help, and a part of me feels like there isn't a way out of this cycle. I want to be me again. I want my life back and sometimes it seems like no one could care about if I am doing okay.

The worst part is that I had the opportunity to talk to a friend that needed me tonight and I see that everyone has a big problem or trial in their lives, and I become so focused on my own that I forget the goals that I have set for myself to help others.

Sorry guys. I needed to vent and I figure typing it all out would help.

I love you readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that all of you are finding help for your own trials. Don't do things alone. I know there are people out there who will help you, and I know this because my parents are helping me through my problems.

Yes. I know I wrote above that I feel like no one is trying to help me, and what I'm saying is that no one that knows how to help me and who has dealt with eating disorders is in my life.

I wish everyone the best. Hugs and kisses.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My days at Ross are numbered!

Over the past couple times that I've gone into work at Ross I've come out feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and peeved off. Through this and the fact that there are a few things I have to do before I finish my application for the Peace Corps I thought about thinking deeply into my career goals.

I've wanted to help others (as I've listed on here multiple times) and I need to do something that actually pays because service is nice, but I won't be able to live on it.

So after much deliberation I've decided to get a degree in human resources, and I'll also look into multiple foreign languages to help those in other countries as well. This is going to help me in my Peace Corps dreams along with helping me to make sure others don't have a terrible time at work like I've had.

It's amazing to think how 2 terrible jobs in a row can be such a learning experience. Although I hated having to work those jobs it's ultimately been a blessing. What's even more amazing is how many different ways you can look at a situation. It's nice to look on the positive after being so frustrated when I got home.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Customers. Retail. Enough said.

Read my title on this post. That's pretty much all that comes to mind at the moment.

Just a heads up to those that ever feel like you have the right to yell at those that are helping you.

1. Don't yell at someone who isn't to blame. You may think you're making a point but all you're doing is making me giggle inside because I can only see one thing when you do it.

2. Karma sucks. Piss off the wrong people and you anger the karma Gods and then woopsie! You end up getting it worse. For example. A lady at Ross started to yell at me about how I was a terrible employee because I didn't help her fast enough. Guess who had the security sensors go off on them in front of the couple dozen people standing around. The annoying lady, and I didn't mean for it to happen either.

3. Each person is a human being, and as human beings we make mistakes. I mean imagine being this guy and having to go to the office the next day!

4. When you yell at the workers somewhere it isn't just the worker who thinks you're an idiot. The customers around you can't stand a yeller. They feel sorry for you. They pity you. You're like Pumba after eating a meal. No one wants to be around you because you're a big, nasty, smelly-


Friday, April 1, 2011

My thoughts for today

I am waiting for my food to settle so I can go workout and as I was thinking of what to do I thought I'd update my highly public, and oh so stalked blog...what do you mean no one religiously stalks my blog? Well I will take that as a compliment. No! Don't tell me otherwise. I'm taking it as a compliment.

These are random thoughts I had today.

I sat in the dry cleaners today waiting for time to go by and I saw a guy coming out of a sushi restaurant wearing a kilt. If there was ever a time for that starburst guy to pop up and talk about contradictions it was then.

Pita bread may be for making a delicious sandwich but dang does it taste good as is.

My ability at balancing my finances is not the best, and therefore I believe it's time to ask the man of the financing himself on how to get better. Now where's my dad?

It was sunny today which means it's going to snow about a foot overnight and I'll still have to go to work in the morning.

Why is it that when you make an appointment with the doctor they don't know if they can squeeze you in anytime soon, but when you tell them it could be a serious problem they all of a sudden find a slot early the next morning?

How do people run in those booty shorts they call work out clothes? I try ones to my knees and I feel like they're riding up in all the wrong places. Same with tank top sweats. I'm trying to lose weight, not have a wardrobe malfunction and flash the entire gym with said weight.

Has my cat trained my family or has my family trained the cat? Either way she get's treats and we think we're winning the battle.

If aliens came to earth and saw us picking up poop after our dogs would they consider us to be the servants of the dogs? And if they would see dogs as superior would we have to worry about being killed off? I mean, we'd be the underdogs and of no threat...that's what they think.

And basically that's been my day. That, work, and watching a little TV that is.

Have I told you how much I love not working at Ross?