You know how my last posts have been positive?

This one may not be.

I have come to know a few things over the past couple days.

1. I am addicted to food.
You may ask why that is a bad thing. Well I'll tell you. With other addictions you have the opportunity to steer clear of the vice. With food there is a problem. You have to eat it to survive, and if you are forced to be around it everyday it makes it near impossible to overcome the addiction. I believe this addiction has always been inside of me but when I chose to deprive my body of food for a couple months I made it so it is now in survival mood. I can wake up in the morning with little care in the world as to whether I will binge that day. I believe I have the strength to overcome the addiction. It changes when I get a piece of food in my mouth. The trigger is set and I begin to binge. I eat things I don't care for, and I eat until my stomach has swelled and my ribs are causing me pain. I lie in bed trying to wait until the food digests so I can work out, or do ANYTHING and instead eat more once the pain has gone. I used to love to run but haven't been able to for months. I begin and I'm in pain because of all that I've consumed, and the fact that I'm carrying 30 pounds of weight that I haven't carried in years.

2. I can try to be positive but at the end of the day it's like I am stuck in a fat suit. I can try to see myself as the world sees me but I try and deny that image due to some coworkers commenting on my weight gain. Why would I want to see what the world sees when they see a girl who is gaining weight? It sometimes feels worse gaining the weight than being at the weight I was. People expect a fat person to be fat, but they don't expect an average sized human being to expand.

3. I'm not 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was my lightest. I try not to weight myself in hopes that one day I'll get on and the numbers will be lower. Although the numbers aren't important it feels like the scale is once again in control of my emotions and whether I binge during the day.

4. Eating disorders may have a physical manifestation, but it isn't the disorder. It's a symptom. Although I haven't gotten to a scary number when I was my lightest, and although I had my period regularly, it didn't mean that I wasn't anorexic. I believe limiting yourself to 500 calories a day, drinking almost twice the amount of water they tell you to, and working out over 2 hours a day qualifies me as something being messed up in my brain.

This is what irritates me the most. I believe that I need to take some time for myself. I think that I need to get away from the pressures of work, boys, religion, and financial burden so that I can take time for me. Unfortunately I don't have the money. Unfortunately my insurance won't cover the charges for inpatient care.

Something needs to change within our country. The percentage of obesity is on the rise, and the media pressure is at an all time high. Overeating can be a symptom of the eating disorder way of thinking. The eating disorder is more an emotional disorder than anything else, and any odd way of eating can constitute a disorder of some sort. We need to make it easier for people to get the help they need to overcome the underlying issues.

I'm irate by the fact that I can't do this on my own, and a therapist likes to focus on whether or not I've been abused as a child. The answer is NO. I have not been abused as a child, and it isn't a cause. I need someone that has dealt with eating disorders. I need help. I want help. I'm asking for help, and a part of me feels like there isn't a way out of this cycle. I want to be me again. I want my life back and sometimes it seems like no one could care about if I am doing okay.

The worst part is that I had the opportunity to talk to a friend that needed me tonight and I see that everyone has a big problem or trial in their lives, and I become so focused on my own that I forget the goals that I have set for myself to help others.

Sorry guys. I needed to vent and I figure typing it all out would help.

I love you readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that all of you are finding help for your own trials. Don't do things alone. I know there are people out there who will help you, and I know this because my parents are helping me through my problems.

Yes. I know I wrote above that I feel like no one is trying to help me, and what I'm saying is that no one that knows how to help me and who has dealt with eating disorders is in my life.

I wish everyone the best. Hugs and kisses.