Monday, October 17, 2011


I have one. And I'm hungry.

The past few days I've finally got myself watching Buffy, and I justify sitting on my butt watching an old show by doing flashcards for Jareth's Series 7 test. My guy is on his way to becoming a stock broker. I have NEVER seen so many definitions before. I'm thankful I'm not in his shoes. It's one thing to make about 500 flashcards. It's a whole different story to have to study them.

I'm getting prepped for my move. I finally decided it was time to move out of my parents house so I'm in the job searching mode. I figure I'll move sometime after I get back from my family trip to New York. We are going to have a small burial type thing for my Uncle and then have a little family time together visiting my dads old house, and Amish country.

I'm getting back to where I was at weight wise before I had my little binging weight gain relapse thing. I forgot how it felt to NOT be sick all the time. I like being healthy. Although the craving for a chocolate lava cake is a little overwhelming at times, but I manage.

I've been going to therapy to get back into a healthy mindset. I go to a group and private session. It's amazing how food addictions and eating disorders are so common. Mainly because there are so many different forms. My therapist says that I am going through these trials right now because I'm meant for more. She's sure I'm meant to help people through my mental and physical problems I've had the past two years.

It makes me happy to think that I could help someone with my experiences, but at the same time I'm anxious to know when I'll finally be better.

I figure just talking about my struggles helps people.

I should probably end this blog here. I think I should try to keep these short. Don't want to bore anyone!

I love you readers!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Life as I know it

So I thought that it might be a nice time to update everyone on my life recently considering I haven't done a personal post in a while.

Honest time?

I lost my willingness to write. I figure that this is the closest thing I have to a journal. The problem with my journals is that I get one, write in it for a day or sometimes I'm really good and write in it everyday for a week. Then a part of me sits back and thinks about how my future children could read it and then I get slightly embarrassed because half the time I'm writing about boy drama, and the other half of the time I'm writing about school or work. None of that sounds interesting, or it makes me sound like a hormonal weirdo. So then I skip a day of writing in my journal which then goes to a year when I buy a new one because I see one in the store that's just "so darn cute," and I feel like I may start writing again. (This has led to about 8 journals sitting in a drawer in my house, and I pick up different ones at different times to write an entry so they're a mess).

So, long story short, I feel like I've accomplished something by keeping this blog alive. It's like redemption for the money wasted on journals that may very well never be filled. Hence the non personal and stupid posts.

If you're still reading by this point I applaud you, and I give you a cyber cookie.

My life has been pretty interesting lately.

After 22 years and no boyfriend I finally met an amazing guy.

His name is Jareth. He makes me smile, and when we're loopy because we haven't slept I laugh so hard that my side hurts. He makes me feel like the struggles I've had in life have made me the person that he loves, and the same goes for him.

I'm not going to go into to much detail because how many of you have posted pictures on facebook and then had to delete all of them when you broke up? I'm not saying we're going to break up by the way...I'm just saying that it's to soon to tell and you break up with everyone but your husband...I guess even then you may have broken up with him at one point to.

And tangent complete.

Just know that he makes me happy, and I only hope for good things from this relationship.

I realized some things from dating though that I don't think people realize until they have a significant other so I'll spell it out for any who may be wondering.

1. Put yourself on the line. Wear your heart on your sleeve, and eventually there will be someone who will gladly reach out and take it to keep it safe.

2. Don't be scared or intimidated by the person you're pursuing or being pursued by. They're human, and they have flaws just like you. Heck, those flaws may bring you closer because you can relate.

3. Having a significant other is cool because if you feel down all you have to do is think about the person that loves you. Family can love you but they have to. To have someone willingly love you for you...well, it's kind of amazing.

4. Don't talk about the other negatively. It does no good, but cause a disagreement. (That one was one that I broke. Not the happiest night. Just don't gossip unless it's to say how amazing the person you're dating is.)

5. Communication is key. Not communication with others (as stated above), but with each other. If you don't acknowledge a problem it won't get fixed. Then it festers, and you blow up over stupid things.

6. Always share how you feel about them. Tell them you love them.

7. If you DO get in an argument then no matter what end it on a good note. Tell them you love them.

8. When you're dating a gentleman and he pays and you've gotten to the stage that you can tell him you love him...tell him you love him.

It's only love if you share it! Tell the one you love how you feel, and I'm not just talking about your partner. Make sure to tell each loved one how you feel about them.

I love you dear readers!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Time has flown by

I'm not sure where I left off because I don't have much time on the internet to go back and read my post.

So this will be short.

My traveling companion unfortunately did not mesh well with me and we parted ways, which led to us having to go home a week early due to our parents being worried.

I love Germany.

I love Vienna.

My feet are sore from walking literally all day.

I met the coolest people in my really. One was from Korea, and one had just finished teaching English in Korea. We talked for a while last night about Korean, and I got a little more support to encouragement to keep going.

Cute boy at reception in my hostel. Why yes we did talk for quite a while yesterday. We'll have to see if we continue our convo tonight.

Saw a huge karaoke party in the park yesterday. Amazing singers, and there was easily 300 people singing along with the brave souls who got up in front of them.

Took a walk in a ginormous park in Berlin that used to be for hunts, but after...I think the Berlin wall came down it was changed into the "tiergarten."

There are amazing buildings, sculptures, fountains, you name it they have it in Berlin.

So that's Berlin.
Let's go backwards shall we? Before that was Vienna.

Vienna was pretty awesome. I spent the whole time walking around. Looking at the parks, and museums, and there was this really small festival going on in front of a museum so I sat and listened to music for a bit.

Before Vienna was Salzburg. I met some girls and went on the Sound of Music tour with them. We dressed up and got to sing along with the soundtrack on the bus. Had to be the highlight of my time in Vienna...or Wein as the Europeans call it. I also met an Australian named Luke who was hilarious. He was only trying to do laundry and people kept butting him in line which isn't bad if there is more than 1 washer and dryer, but it led to a very angry Australian, who drank a beer or two while waiting for the washer, and then we sat and talked til about 1 in the morning. It's amazing the people you meet when you stay in a hostel.

Before Salzburg was Munich. Woah, what a place. We went to Dachau and you couldn't talk easily. For me I wanted to be respectful so my mood was down, which made it difficult to be happy that day. The things that happened there and the good people that came out of the woodwork to help others during those hard times is so awe inspiring. It's sad that sometimes we have to have a time of great sadness and trauma for people to tap into their inner hero, but it's nice to know it's out there, and to know that there is always hope in those times of darkness.

So I'm pretty sure that's what we did in those places, but to be honest...things have been blending together and I have a hard time remembering what exactly we do where. I'd write on here more if I had more free internet, but unfortunately the cheapest I've found so far is .50 for a half hour hence me writing this now.

I'll be home in 2 days though! Well...maybe for you guys it's 3. Eh. I'll be home. That's all that matters. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Munich so far

On Sunday it was Jamila's birthday and for it she wanted to go to church. I hadn't brought nice clothes so I bought a skirt and wore my best. The members there were more than fabulous. The past 2 days we've been spending time with them.

Sunday we gathered for dinner at the church after going to the hostel and resting for a bit. Today we planned on Neushwanstein Castle. We got on a train and after a 2 hour ride we got on a bus, and then hiked up to the castle for a mile or so.

Once up there we decided our money would be better spent on something other than a not completed castle, so we took pictures in front of it, and went on the grounds a little, but ultimately headed to the bridge overlooking a river of waterfalls. It was so crowded and the boards were moving uncontrollably under the weight of the hundred or so people on the tiny bridge.

After getting one to many elbows shoved in my back we headed down to the waterfalls. It was a little difficult of a hike down the neverending steps, but once we got there it was well worth the energy spent. We took a couple of pictures and headed to this embankment where people had placed rocks up as a placer. Every person that had gone through must have left one so Jamila and I followed suit, and built our own. Of course we took the mandatory pictures of our masterpieces.

We then continued along the river and came to this metal bridge setup where it just looked like a couple metal slabs were nailed together and stuck haphazardly over the rushing water.

Most don't know this but I actually have a...slight fear of bridges. Especially ones that look like they'd been built by a toddler. So Jamila headed down the bridge no problem and I chose to inch along like a dummy. But you can't blame a girl for being cautious.

After that we made our way back to Munich and headed to FHE at the church. The lesson was of course cool, and they brought out a cake for Jamila since it was her birthday yesterday, and all of them sang happy birthday to her.

So after the long hours of talking and what not we decided it was time to head back to our hostel. The day went amazing. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better!

Munich was a great place and I'm so looking forward to Dachau, and then we get to do laundry! Clean clothes make me SO happy. You can never have enough of them!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Short update

We moved on from Italy after we hit Venice, and Verona.

Venice was gorgeous. The buildings were stunning, and all the bridges made it feel like you were in this other world. Things aren't built like that anymore.

Verona was pretty but after a couple hours we were just sitting in a park counting down the hours until we got on our 1 am train. It was a LONG wait, but we met some really funny boys from Napoli who kept us entertained by teaching us a little Italian and having us promise to add them on Facebook.

The train to Munich was horrible. Since it was an overnight train we had to get reservations in a compartment with other people. Ours was full of 6 people. Jamila, myself, and 4 other guys who had their shoes off, and smelled terrible. Jamila and I tried to sleep but found it impossible with the ticket taker and police coming in every half hour to check our passports and tickets.

After six hours we got off and spent the day looking in shop windows, and stocking back up on the essentials like shampoo, and toothpaste. We also bought a bit of chocolate because it was cheaper and better than the chocolate you get in America. I planned to bring it back as souvenirs for friends and family and instead ate a ton of it.

BIG stomach ache. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. Well, I'm off to bed. I slept only 3 hours last night and have been awake for the rest of the past 2 days.

Hope everyone is enjoying life wherever that may be, and I'll keep you updated on the happenings of Germany.

Monday, June 13, 2011


I hate insomnia. It's been happening almost every night in Europe. I wish I could say it's not my fault but why deny it?

I didn't budget well enough, and I didn't save enough. I was talking to 2 girls at the hostel who took on a slightly similar undertaking. The budget was nearly double mine and they were traveling the same amount of time as Jamila and I.

We didn't take into account hidden fees, and we didn't take into account tours and food as much as we should.

My parents said not to buy souvenirs, but they must be kidding me. How can you go to Europe and not bring things back?

You get hounded by so many people who speak English that you begin to be wary of anyone who starts speaking to you, and the world is so full of creeps that it's near impossible to have a conversation with anyone who may be a local.

It's even worse since there are only 2 of us, neither of us understanding what most people say. You'd think we'd stick together and grow a stronger bond but instead we're tiring on one another.

This trip just isn't what I thought. I thought I would camp, hike, go into town and sight see for a few days. I thought we'd run into people willing to accept us, and show us a part of their culture. I thought I'd see where my dad's family was from.

I thought a lot, but the only thing I hoped was I wouldn't be disappointed, and that we'd make it through in one piece.

I don't want to complain. Most people never get the chance to do what I'm doing, and yet part of me feels like I was never going to be ready or prepared. I'd always work hard and I'd always save only to see my bank account shrivel to oblivion. In fact if it wasn't for my dad helping me out financially I'd be charging everything to my credit card and hope I could pay it off when I returned.

It's so difficult seeing my hard work at minimum wage for hours and hours on end almost seeming like a waste. I'll return with no money to my name, and a large debt I have to pay back. With each euro I spend my heart drops.

I guess it's the trauma of growing up. You realize that things you want to do demand for you to work as hard as possible, and then fight for them in the midst of getting them.

You realize that your family is always gonna be there to help you out, and thanking them never seems like enough.

You realize that mistakes may not always be able to be fixed.

Some mistakes can only be fixed by spending more money.

Traveling in a group of 2 is unwise. A group of 3 provides for a crabby person to reflect while the others are able to enjoy themselves.

No matter how many times you look at your bank account and try to budget sometimes the number will only go down.

I could go on and on, but the one thing that struck me was that in my insomniatic state I resorted to blog stalking people that I once viewed as enemies or people I'd had problems with sometime in my past. I can only say, that as awful as it may sound, I wanted their life to be unhappy. As miserable as I am about my finances. I wanted them to have issues, and I wanted them to go ranting about how this bad thing happened, or how this thing went wrong. Instead I found an insightful look into their mind.

Things suddenly made sense. It wasn't that we hated each other, it wasn't that they offended me. It was because there was a human being with feelings, emotions, problems, you name it and human being have it.

They had issues with me, and they've moved on, and found a way to be happy in life. So why can't I?

Why, when I have SO much going for me, and when I'm in Europe, a place where so many dream of visiting, am I sad? Money? So I spend more than I thought. I'll use my credit card, I'll make it through and I'll have the memories. Tiffs with Jamila? We're human. We don't need to always get along. So what is it?

Is there an underlying feeling of worthlessness?

Jamila said it herself. I don't want to disappoint anyone. This whole trip I've felt like a disappointment. My family says not to get souvenirs. I do. My Eurail problems could have been easily avoided if I had contacted the company. I failed, and in doing so have caused so many problems for both Jamila and I. I failed. I am the "stupid American" that the locals feed on. I've wanted to adapt to the culture so badly that I willingly walk into situations where they demand more money. The stupid street vendors see me coming from a mile away. Jamila is the only reason I haven't been further scammed.

Each second here I feel like I've failed someone. I've failed my parents, or Jamila, and definitely myself.

I get online hoping my parents have responded to an email, I check the news for things happening in the states, I cling to facebook hoping that someone will update because I don't want to feel alone. Jamila goes to bed and I lay beneath the sheets unable to sleep.

Ultimately it rolls down to failing and succeeding. Who decides what failing is? Is it me, or is it society? Is it both?

Those girls that I held petty grudges against haven't failed. They've lived, and my stupid perception of failure has made it so every day for the past couple months has been drawn down to failing or succeeding.

Don't view your life as such. It's a lonely and miserable road because no one else cares if you've spent more money than you planned, and no one is judging you on it but yourself. I need to relax. I need to go with the flow, and yet it seems impossible when your bank account went from thousands to a couple hundred.


So we woke up nice and early and went to the bar on the corner where we get our free breakfast through the hostel, and it was full of cappucino and croissants. Afterwards we walked to the train station and bought our Roma pass which has been probably the best investment while on the trip. 25 euros for 3 days. You can hop on any bus or metro, you get into 2 museums for free, and after that the museums are at a discounted price.

We got on a bus to head to the colliseum but ended up jumping off when we saw our first fountain. So we ended up next to this fountain, and cheap cheap CHEAP pizza place so we engrained the spot in our brain for lunch later and decided to walk to the colliseum. Along the way we did a little street shopping, and I tasted a little bit of a melon alcohol or something. We figured we'd buy some pasta as souvenirs, but paying almost 10 American dollars for a bag didn't seem worth it. You could buy 2 huge gelatos at that price.

We ended up at the Fontana de Trevi, and figured we'd make a wish. Not before a woman jumped out of the crowd and put a parakeet on my finger, and told us to take a picture. So Jamila took a picture, and then the lady kept placing the bird in random spots on me. After me she put it on Jamila and Jamila was infuriated at this point because the lady wouldn't stop, and after she took the bird off Jamila she demanded 20 euros. Jamila was even more upset and deleted the pictures in front of the lady and said she wasn't going to pay. The lady said we were stupid Americans which made Jamila even more upset. I was just confused. I'm not the brightest apparently. After we left Jamila said she was trying to pickpocket us. Thankfully we listened to our parents and put our valuables in hard to get at places.

So we continued on our way to the fountain and made our wish, and took our pictures and decided to get out as soon as possible because we were both in shock at the rudeness of the lady.

So we went to the colliseum for the first free museum, and it took Jamila and I a second to figure out why the middle field is full of a maze like structure. We felt stupid after realizing it was where they kept the lions. We learned that in school for goodness sake. Anyways, it was a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be, and of course we had the street vendors not leaving us alone every step of the way.

After walking around and grabbing a slice of pizza (which by the way did live up to all the preconceptions I had for Italian pizza) for lunch from the place I mentioned earlier we headed back to the hostel to make a pb and j sandwich for dinner. We figured we'd head up to this park/museum area and wander around then have a picnic.

So we hopped on the metro this time and got off at the edge of the park and took some pictures by one of the fountains by the entrance to the park. At this point it was probably fountain number 5 we'd taken a picture by, and we didn't take a picture by every fountain we've run into. If we had, we'd have an entire memory card full of us in front of fountains.

After taking our pictures a man came up and had a bouquet of roses. I held out my hand in the downward postion to say and signal no, and he shoved a rose in my hand and let go causing me to try and catch it before it fell. He tried to give one to Jamila and both of us were insisting we had no money, which at this point was true. We made sure to put everything in the locker at our hostel so we wouldn't be tempted to buy more things. He kept insisting and both of us were insisting we had no money. In the end he grabbed the rose from me, and walked of muttering about how he didn't want our money anyways, and we wouldn't get HIS roses.

We continued to the entrance to the park and headed up steep stairs where we found an amazing look out over Rome. After a few snapshots we sat down under a tree and were drinking water when another man with roses came up to us. By this point both of us were beyond irritated. I tried to be nice and say we had no money and didn't want his rose, but he insisted he just wanted to talk. Jamila started yelling that we weren't going to pay him and he needed to leave. He still didn't get the hint, and he said he was just trying to help us enjoy the park before storming off.

We got harassed a third time, and by this point Jamila and I had had enough, and right out started yelling we had no money before he could even ask.

We nicknamed the park the valley of the busts...because there were busts of heads EVERYWHERE! I felt like I had someone watching me wherever I went.

Jamila's toenail had begun to fall off at this point, and we decided it would be best to get her back to the hostel. We decided a bus would be better than the all to overheated metro so we sat for awhile hoping the bus would get there soon. These two other backpackers walked up and stood by the sign for the bus, and they were completely American. The speech, and mannerisms and all. This cute little old lady started talking to one, and the guy started speaking to her back in Italian, and I think I fell in love for a second. Super attractive, and knew Italian. Yum. Before I got a chance to talk to the guy their bus came, and unfortunately it was for a different one than ours. I wanted SO badly to follow after them, but Jamila was not feeling it, but maybe next time I'll be able to have my girly moment and flirt with someone on this trip. Plus I wanted to talk to them because I felt a little better knowing someone could speak both English and Italian and wasn't trying to sell us something or scam us.

After taking a bus in the completely wrong direction are now back at the hostel. I've still got energy and want to do something, but unfortunately there's no one to go around town with...I guess I'll just go to bed...when it's still bright Rome...cuz that's what I imagined my trip to a foreign country would be like.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Barcelona and beyond

So we left our hostel in Barcelona at 11 in the morning. Our flight to Italy didnt [apparently Italian keyboard dont have apostrophes or parenthesis...or who knows what else. So please excuse every last punctuation error. Im making do with what I have.} leave until 5. So we had time to kill. We went and sat on the dock because we didnt want to carry around our bags for 6 hours. So then around 2 thirty we started to walk up La Rambla to the air bus station. All of a sudden we heard people laughing around us and Jamila and I had no clue why until we looked to our left.

People in a nudist group were riding their bikes down the road waving at people as they passed by. One thought came to mind and it was, what if you accidentally would scrape places that should never be open to scraping. It would hurt SO bad!

So we left for the airport and I guess it doesnt matter how early you arrive, you are ALWAYS running through the airport to catch your flight these days. So we make it, and the flight is extremely cramped. Which was fine. Whatever.

We land in Rome, but our hostel booking is in Napoli because we wanted to go see where my ancestors came from. So after 3 hours at the train station we make it to our hostel around 11 at night. It was the most frightening experience walking the streets of Napoli at that time. People were trying to get us into their car so they could "take us to our hostel." It smelled like smoke inside, and it was freezing.

We got out of there as fast as humanly possible the next morning after eating a canoli or 2.

We got on a train heading for Salerno where my hometown is supposedly right out of. We get there and find out that not only is it another hour away but due to it being Sunday only main city trains are running and that there is no possible way for us to get to the right city. So after 2 hours on that train we jumped right back on and headed back to Napoli.

From there we got onto a train to Roma termini and there werent seats on the train so we had to stand in a 6 by 6 foot square standing area between carts. After the twenty billionth stop it had gotten so crowded. Over 20 people, their luggage, and at one point there was a baby stroller in it. I kept getting hit in the stomach so I turned to the wall and got cornered and kept getting my face hit into the corner. It was such a pleasant ride.

Finally we made it to Roma and both Jamila and I feel like we are like the French now. We don't use our words, we shove anyone who is in our way, and we have mean scowls on our face as we walk down the road.

We made it to our hostel, and after an incredibly frustrating day full of pointless travel, and people to piss me off I'm going out on the town. I'm getting gilato and maybe some pizza. Maybe pasta. Maybe it doesn't matter because I am in freaking Italy!

Alright, I'll be honest. The day isn't a complete waste. We got to see nudists on bikes, and there was the cutest little boy on our train from Salerno that talked to us and then gave us both a kiss on the cheek when he got off. I think Italy will be good, and the fact that I'm editing this and putting in that I just had my first real Italian Gelato and pasta means that it turned out well.

I'm hoping Italy is everything I thought it would be. Tomorrow it's the beach and pizza. Maybe a little more Gelato. As long as I keep budgeting I think this whole trip is bound to make a turn around for the better, and so with that I will say Ciao for now.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Barcelona Day 3

Today was not...the sunniest of days. In fact it was gloomy when we looked outside or window this morning, and it had been sprinkling during breakfast. Jamila and I pulled our jackets on, rode the metro across town, went inside the aquarium and by the time we got out it was raining insanely! The drops were heavy and since we had no umbrella we were running down La Rambla trying to make it to the underbelly of Barcelona...I mean the metro.

The aquarium was pretty cool. There weren´t any fish that were unusual, but they had a shark tank with a tunnel you could walk through and have them swim over you. It was incredibly loud in the building as there may have been an entire school of children on a field trip there. The line had zigzagged almost to the road at the front of the plaza placed in front of the aquarium. It went by fast and we enjoyed being inside on such a gloomy day.

When we got out and it was raining we ran to the metro and headed to the castle on the mountain. We got to ride glass trolleys up to the castle on one of those wire zipline things, and we got to the top and yet again, it was raining cats and dogs. At this point we were so soaked that we didn´t care if we stepped in the puddles.

Once we reached the top we ran through the rain to the castle front. There was a wooden slatted bridge which had turned into a waterfall. There were two ramp type cobblestone walkways behind the bridge so all the water that had been getting into the grounds of the castle were rushing down and formed a waterslide type hazard. People were busy taking pictures or trying to find a way around dipping their feet into the gushing water but Jamila and I just wanted to get in so we clomped through the river of water and made it to the top where there was a giant open courtyard and stairs on both ends to lead to an even higher part of the castle. Thunder had started going at this point so we were walking at the highest point in Barcelona with a lightning rod a couple feet away. We probably weren´t the brightest at this point. So after looking out over the entirely to foggy Barcelona we made it down and back onto the metro. It was the longest metro ride of my life. We were soaked to the bone, and my shoes were so badly drenched that I may have to just chuck them as we head out the door to Italy.

Although it was a cold, and way to wet day, it was fun. We felt like such little troopers because all these pansy tourists were carrying around umbrellas. Psh. Who does that?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Barcelona Day 2

I really loved today. Jamila and I traveled to La Rambla which is the main boulevard running through Barcelona. Barcelona is a district of Spain, and they speak Catalan. It´s kind of a mix between Spanish and French. It´s really cool, and instead of learning French I may go with Catalan. It seems easier than the mumbled/slurred jargon the French use.

Which reminds me (Yes tangent time) that I´m thinking of looking into linguistics for my degree. Yes it will be difficult but it will be worthwhile and helpful if I plan on doing a trip like this again. I know that I would love the places I´ve been more if I was able to speak the language, and that specifically goes for France. People are just not nice to people they know can´t speak their language, and are perfectly willing to talk about you to someone in French. It´s not a good feeling. I think that being bilingual or trilingual has now become a main priority in my life. I need to take my studies in language a little more seriously, and I think that everyone should look into becoming fluent in another language. Any second language. These are the ones I´m thinking. Spanish, Catalan, German, Italian, Korean, and English would count as my sixth, but I think I would love to speak French, but not like learning it and translating it over to actually speaking it. We´ll see. As you know I´m unable to decide on one thing to do so that may change. Especially when I start taking the classes.

And back to the point of this post. Can I just point out that Barcelona has to be the prettiest place we´ve been so far. Oh. My. Goodness. It´s cobblestone streets, bustling roads, a mall that is probably 12 floors (Yes that´s right, we made it to the 7th floor and we weren´t near the top.), 1 Euro dinners (Okay, that was just because the hostel we´re at offered a discount), a church with live geese in it, street musicians EVERYWHERE, b-boy groups dancing in the middle of a huge square, museums, random protests where people cover statues with toilet paper, bike tours, bus tours, walking tours, you name it, it´s here.

The hostel we´re staying in is called the Nice and Cozy hostel (just in case you plan on coming to Barcelon). It is the best one we´ve stayed in so far. The owner is the sweetest lady, and like I said, she offered us tea right when we walked in the door the first day. Cheap breakfast, free internet, cheap laundry services, amazingly it´s 3 floors, and has games, tv, and a rooftop sitting area that overlooks all of Barcelona. It helps that the people here are really fun as well. It´s amazing how you go a week without random things that you realize how nice it is to have them again. This is my list.

1. A large bathtub
2. A large kitchen with a dishwasher and no flies
3. Toast with jam
4. Cereal
5. A cupboard full of tea
6. A fluffy pillow rather than a flat newspaper thin one
7. A room almost to yourself
8. Room to shave your legs IN the shower
9. Tiled floors!
10. Wall decorations (yes, they make a place SO much cozier)
11. 9:56 pm
12. Tiles in the town that don´t wobble when you step on them.
13. Sunny skies
14. Clean subways
15. Starbucks (Just kidding. Starbucks is like America´s Mcdonalds, or Walmart, and they also are the worst place pickpockets wise. Don´t go to them in Europe. The pickpockets really do pray on the people that go to them.)

Random. Random things. And part of me is thankful for the board games they have. Like Risk. If only Brandon and Ben were here to dress up like evil dictators and duke it out for Australia before one finally massacres the others pathetic little army.

Did I mention there is a rooftop sitting area where you can look out over Barcelona AND the ocean? Amazingly. Beautiful. I can´t get over it. 5 stars for Barcelona. Tomorrow we´re going to the Aquarium because we hear it´s amazing. Compared to the weak sauce one in Utah, I´m pretty excited! We were thinking about the zoo as well, but we have a pretty good one at home. Instead we plan on going to this castle on top of a mountain, and the Cathedral de Familia. Everyone´s telling us we HAVE to go see it before we leave.

So some fun tidbits I learned on the walking tour today.
1. Columbus gave Isabel and Ferdinand Syphillis. Just thought you´d like to know. Isabel was a huge supporter of Columbus and was the leading force behind getting him the finances to travel the seas. She mainly supported him because she thought he was the bees knees and slept with him a couple of times. Through sleeping with him she got Syphillis and in turn gave it to Ferdinand. This was one of the main reasons Ferdinand hated Columbus and why he ended the contract they signed saying Columbus would recieve 10% of all he brought back from the ¨West Indies.¨ Columbus traveled to America a total of 4 times before that, and each time forcefully took gold, raped the women, and killed who knows how many American Indians. Once the contract was broken he obviously never returned.

2. Although Columbus was the one that disovered America it was named after Americo Vespucci. As the map for the world was being designed news came in that Americo claimed it wasn´t really part of Asia, but an entire land mass of it´s own. Not knowing how big the continent would be the mapmaker drew a white line in the general area of where they knew it existed. Not knowing Vespucci´s name, other than what he heard from the messenger, he wrote America, although it should have been Vespucci. So there you go my little American buddies. If the mapmaker had known Vespucci´s name we would be known as Vespuccians today. I think I like American better.

3. One of the ways they executed people is NASTY! Pole. Rope around neck. Choke person as you pull neck into pole. Nail in pole aimed at back of head. It didn´t stop until 1974, and was only banned because execution of any kind was made illegal.

4. As the black plague swept through Spain the Jews were being ostricized as usual. They were restricted to 2 ghettos that were set up for them specifically. None left or entered without the okay from higher ups. As most people know, it was considered bad to wash yourself regularly in that day and age except for the Jewish culture. They practiced a high sense of cleanliness, and because of this there was a severe difference between the Jewish Ghetto´s and the streets outside the ghettos. Around 60% of people died outside of the walls, and below 10% of people died within the ghettos. Because of this Jews were further to blame in the peoples eyes. They believed that the Jews were beheading little children and placing them in the water bioducts so that everyone else got the plague. (I´d think they´d just ask the Jews why they were living and they were dying, but blaming is so much easier isn´t it?)

5. A 13 year old girl was executed for trying to bring Christianity to Spain. Her name was Saint Eulalia and within the Cathedral named after her there is an area sectioned off where 13 white geese live. It represents each year of her life.

6. Barcelona used to be a crappy city until the 1992 Olympics. 2 billion Euros were spent to transform it to what we see today. They built a beach using sand from Egypt, and shipped palm trees in from Hawaii on a 12 year lease. They remodeled some of the buildings, and built other partitions along the coast. Since then the original palm trees have been sent back, and new ones were put in their place. The tour guide laughed about how every fall the Egyptian sands try to ¨get back home, and they have to shovel them back onto the beach again.¨ (The things some people go to to make something look nicer!)

Honestly, I could go on for a while, but I think I´ve bombarded you with enough stories for today.

It´s been an amazing opportunity to travel the places I have over the past week, but I have to admit that not only is Barcelona the best, but it´s nice to finally be somewhere for more than a day or two. It gives me time to breath, and look over the past few terrible days with new insight, and a new sense of accomplishment for getting through them. The whole situation with Eurail is still up in the air, but we´ll see if we can´t get that fixed. Keep you posted! Love you all.

Signing out in Barcelona.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Hey ya´ll! I´m in Europe!

So I´ve saved, slaved away, and finally made it to Europe with my friend. We left about a week ago, and everyday seems to bring more problems. Don´t get me started! But I have learned a lot of things some serious, some random, some downright weird. This is my list of things for everyone to know, but especially someone planning on going backpacking.

1. Eurail passes should be ordered outside of the continent. They charge you fees if you do it in their office, and I ended up paying $900 on top of the 700 I paid at home. Somehow due to their terrible selves decided not to send my pass and I was only given an option of buying a new one.

2. If you have a big backpack and ask a worker at Kings Cross Station he will say that he doesn´t know where Mr. Potter is. No joke.

3. Mistakes happen, and unfortunately they can cost you a lot of money, so come with at least $500 more than what you thought you´d need.

4. Parents are the best.

5. Texting is a hard habit to break, but it needs to be done.

6. Know survival phrases for whatever country you´re going to.

7. Don´t assume everyone speaks English.

8. Be prepared for lots of walking. Just because you have places to sleep booked, and trains to ride it doesn´t mean you will be free from walking. There´s a LOT of walking.

9. It saves money to buy things from the grocery store. You can go and have fun during dinner with traditional foods, and all the alcohol, but for breakfast and lunch try to stick to cheap! It´ll save you sightseeing money, and it will save you souvenir money.

10. Hostels sometimes have laundry services, but a lot of places are expensive. Try and wash your clothes in the sink if you have to, and if you´re going to be staying a long time somewhere. It saves you money and gives you something to do if you´re tired of walking around.

11. Bring extra shoes. Flats, flip flops, something other than walking shoes, because your feet will thank you.

12. Bring an umbrella. Extra points for you if you find a compact one. Thing to remember with that. It won´t do you any good if you forget it. Not that I did that or anything.

13. Make sure the person you´re going with knows how you act in the mornings. You will have a rude awakening if you haven´t. People act differently when they´re still half asleep.

14. A light jacket or sweatshirt is a girls best friend.

And these are my notes of places we´ve been so far, and in no particular order starting with...

Paris: Save your money and go somewhere else. Transportation is a nightmare, people either don´t want to help you, can´t help you, or find it funny that you´re stuck with no place to go, you can´t get into hotels or hostels last minute because they are completely booked, and you might as well find a piece of cardboard to grab a hold of and sleep on. Oh and everything costs double from everywhere else. Visiting it ruined the movie ¨Ratatouille¨ for me. There aren´t cool rats making your food, no one speaks English, and it doesn´t look like it smells in the movie but DANG there are trash bags laying EVERYWHERE! Oh and don´t just go for a crousant and a picture in front of the Eiffel tower.

London: Well...try to know where you´re going. It´s a bad place to try and navigate through. The subways are...lovely. alright, I can´t really say much for London since the only thing we saw of it was the subway station, and the RailEurope office trying to fix the Eurail pass problem. I´ll update you when we go back at the end of the trip.

Scotland: Yummy food, yummy boys, and couples making out in the park. No, I´m not lying. Also, Jamila and I learned that there are only around 65 kilt makers left in the world. A master has to study for 25 years atleast and each maker has their own stitch that they finish off seams with. That way a maker can always tell when they´re looking at one of their creations. Plus, really cute street musicians. How can you go wrong with an accent, music, cute boys, and kilts? The castles are gorgeous and there are people playing bagpipes on the street. It´s fun just to stand and watch them play.

Ireland: Don´t talk to the nice Irishmen. They may seem friendly but they get creepy really fast. Oh, and they like to invite you to their hotel room. Gaelic is still spoken there which I wasn´t aware of, and we found a couple signs around town written in it. Laundromats are closed on Sunday, and if you really wanna be safe speak with a fake accent walking down the street. People sometimes like to creep Americans out, so if you have an accent in passing no one thinks about it. It especially came in useful here. People liked to follow you close enough to hear your conversation. It was really weird. In Dublin they have lots of bridges, and a really cool castle. It was rebuilt due to a fire in a...Shoot I can´t remember what era it was built in, but I believe only one original tower remains. They have a college in Cork. Cork was probably my favorite place in Ireland. The town seems to always be moving. The hostel we had was right next to the campus so we got to see students going to and from class, or their dorms. There are also pubs across from one another so it was fun to walk down a street and have the guards at the door talking across the road to one another.

Barcelona: Well, we´ve only been here for a couple hours, but already we love it here more than any other place we´ve visited. The woman who owns the hostel is SO incredibly nice, and is willing to help us out by showing us shortcuts to where we want to go, we get free internet (Hence me writing this LONG post), We have a room to ourselves tonight, and the firs thing that the lady at the desk asked when we came inside was if we´d like some tea. People here are also willing to help you out, and beside the hills that we walked to find our way through the town, it´s been a really nice walk. As in it doesn´t smell. I love the cobblestone roads. They make me feel like I´ve stepped back in time. Hopefully tomorrow we´ll also get to go to a full Spanish meal, and a show. Maybe we´ll go on a bike tour. All I know is this place is so willing to help tourists have a good time. I suggest to put Barcelona on your bucket list.

That´s all for now folks. I´ll probably post after my second week out. I´m not sure. It all depends on if I can get cheap internet access. I hope everyones having a lovely time at home! I´ll talk to ya´ll soon.

Adieu, Adios, Goodbye! :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I don't even know...

I can't begin to count how many times I've started this post over and over again. So many feelings rush through my heart, and so many thoughts are stuck in my overwhelmed brain.

The past few weeks have been hard. I chose to work as hard as possible to make the money to go to Europe. It's something I've wanted for years. I've wanted to travel the world, meet new people, learn about new cultures, and better myself and others through positive examples.

At times the day seemed to hard to finish. I cried, I laughed, I ranted, and I even blew up at my boss. I wanted so badly to find a remote like the one in click just so I could fast forward through the bad and get to the good.

It wasn't until I came home from work one night that I realized that fast forwarding time doesn't get you through the bad. It won't fix things, and that for something to be worth it you have to go on the journey, and find the inner strength you posses.

I came home from work one day to find my dad sitting at his computer, and an overwhelming sense of tension in the air. The words he said are ingrained in my mind.

"I have some bad news. Your Uncle Tom passed away." It didn't hit me. Even walking into the kitchen and seeing my moms eyes filled with tears didn't process. It wasn't until I was eating a bowl of fruit salad on the couch that the tears came.

The only memories of my Uncle were the ones of him taking my siblings and I upstairs to a room stacked high with memorabilia he collected in hopes of striking it rich. If something wasn't valuable he gave it to us.

I never knew my Grandpa since he died while I was only a baby, and my Grandma had had multiple strokes in life leading her to be disabled, and leaving a shell of a person. I was so scared of her when I visited. She sat with her caretaker at the kitchen table while my Uncle Tom made us hot cocoa and insisted on refilling the whip cream whenever what we had melted. He'd order Chinese food, and as a child I viewed him as one of the only connections to extended family on my dad's side.

It wasn't until my Grandma died that I began to see his true personality. He selfishly let my father pay for the entire funeral. He sold the half million dollar home and gambled away the money that should have been shared between him and my dad. The calls on our birthdays stopped, and I only talked to him once or twice after all of this happened.

I grew to resent him. I grew to hate him for his selfishness, and his inability to involve his nieces and nephew in his life. I felt so conflicted because I wanted to have him in my life, but I was scared he'd take advantage of me just as he'd done to my dad.

When I heard the news that he'd died I was sad. I felt terrible for not trying hard to mend the riff in our relationship. I felt like a terrible niece for not thinking positively about him. But worst of all I was mad at him. He didn't leave behind anything but trouble.

He told friends he had no family. He wanted pity from fellow church members, and because of it it caused more problems than needed. The one thing that made me the most upset was that instead of trying to talk to his family, he lied, he gambled, he abandoned us.

It was through this experience that I've come to realize that the end of something isn't always good. I had the chance to make the journey my Uncle and I shared into a positive one. I could have called him. When he called I could have tried to share my life with him instead of trying to pass him off over to my siblings.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't let the journey pass you by. Sometimes it may be hard, but if you get through those hard times the finish line is so much better than if you drifted through the race. If you don't enjoy each moment you won't realize you've missed those good moments.

I just wish I cherished those moments with my Uncle. If I had, I wouldn't have viewed his life so negatively. Maybe things would have been better, and maybe I wouldn't have ended up holding a grudge towards my Uncle Tom.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Leaving On a Jet Plane

So just a little bit of news.
1. In my last post I said I deactivated my facebook account, but unfortunately facebook is like a drug...a very addictive drug and it was activated after about 4 days. What can I say? I like being kept up to date on who was doing what. Not to mention that I kept thinking about funny things to put as my status. It's weird how my life has come down to what I can put online since the creation of social networking.
2. The countdown for the day I leave for Europe is almost over! Just 2 more weeks and I'll be enjoying Europe by train, plane, hiking shoes, and with my best friend Jamila.

Which brings me to the reason of this post. With the idea of leaving for a month and a half in a foreign country with no real way to keep in touch with my family whenever I need to it got me thinking about all the fun times I've shared with them. Even the bad times, but I look back and it's what made our family so close. We moved almost ever three years, and always had each other to lean on when needed. So I've decided to list some of my favorite good and bad memories that I can now look back on and laugh at.

1. My favorite color was orange growing up until my sister Anji, who I looked up to so much, said that her favorite color was Midnight blue so I changed mine to hers.

2. Anji and my brother Brandon made up a game for my friend Rachel and I and we were running all over the house trying to find the "Golden Cross" to get back to our dimension and I cheated. That's right!! I cheated. I was a little rebel. In fact after I cheated I got caught and Rachel went home crying. Brandon and Anji didn't want to play with me anymore, but it was when I learned that cheating doesn't make you a winner. In the end, all you are is a sour loser.

3. We lived in tornado alley when I grew up in Texas, and we got tornado warnings a lot. Usually a little kid would be scared, but I loved it because I got to hide out in the cupboard under the stairs with my family and we'd pass the time with family time.

4. For my birthday one year, my whole family got into planning it and we ended up having this princess tea party. My mom made up a little skit that my sister and brother acted in. I don't remember much, but the fact that they were so willing to do it for me makes me smile.

5. One Sunday my parents and Brandon packed up MRE's and drove to a campground. We sat around eating the meals and looked at cute little bunnies that were in a pen. We just lied around and it was so much fun to take a break from our everyday lives and go on a picnic as a family.

6. For Anji's birthday this year I treated her to a photoshoot with a friend who belongs to a professional photography business. We got to find costumes together and woke up at 4 in the morning to go to the shoot. It was so fun to sit in a room and get our makeup and hair done before going out into the FREEZING cold and acting awesome!

7. Anji had a nightmare one day about zombies. That's really all you need to know. Okay, so zombie nightmares is a common occurrence and one time she screamed and she told Brandon and I about it.

8. Anji, Brandon, and I got in a fight about poptarts when we super little. They're convinced I was the one to eat the pop tart, but I refuse to admit it was me. After our house was banned from pop tarts and after we moved out I think all of us had a pop tart phase, and pretty much just ate them for every meal. I don't understand the appeal of them besides just enjoying the fact that we aren't banned from them anymore.

9. One sibling was banned from the internet, and the rest of us would always try and get the password from mom and dad for the banned child. We were so sneaky in our minds, but the parentals knew what we were doing.

10. I graduated from Snow college and my brother, and parents came to Ephraim....which is saying something considering my dad said he'd never return to turkey town when he dropped me off to start school there. I consider his attendance a big accomplishment.

11. For the past couple of years my grandparents have gotten my dad coal. Fake coal, real coal, a brick of coal. Don't ask me why considering he's usually a good boy, but since they've run out of coal ideas they've moved onto Chia pets. I can't decide which is worse. An Obama head sprouting green hair, or a source of energy. Hmmmm.

12. My siblings were convinced along with me that our house in Virginia was haunted. We named him Larry. He was stuck in our kitchen.

13. Good Samaritan skits are always fun, and boy did my family make the best one. Imagine my dad twirling around a fake money pouch. Oh and imagine a very young me trying to operate the camera during the bows. There's this awesome part where I say I accidentally stopped recording and then the video ends.

14. I got into a fight one year at girls camp with one of my fellow youth and my brother showed up for the young men's whatever camp, and gave me a hug. I think that was the first hug from him that I can remember besides from when I was a little kid and not annoying.

15. My family loved making videos of us putting on skits, and fairytales. Rumpelstiltskin, that one story about the rat in the house with the mill, and the cow pretty much no one will know what I'm talking about, but my mom loved to dress us up and make these movies. Brandon stomping with the camera shaking is probably the best moment of my life.

16. We used to thread together popcorn to put on our tree. Unfortunately we can't do it anymore because our cat would eat it. If you have a cat, don't feed it popcorn, it will become addicted. The sound of popping is just as exciting as the can opener to other cats.

17. My family owned a cat named Ginger. She lived to be 19 I think. One day we took her to the vet to be let down. She was in pain, and our family came together. It's amazing what effect a pet can have on someone. She was a part of our family and we cried together. We buried her in the backyard, and every time I look at where she was buried I remember all the amazing memories our family shared with her. I had known her my entire life and we have pictures of me as a baby reaching out to pet a cat turned away from me. She apparently would play hard to get.

18. Anji was married a couple years back and it was one of the most amazing days ever. To see two people with love enough to make the next commitment was wonderful to see. My brother in law Chris makes her so happy, and I love seeing my family happy beyond measure. It gives me hope along with my parents marriage that even though there is so much bad in the world and so much divorce that love does exist, and it's out there for everyone.

19. Anji used to always dress me up, do my make up and have photo shoots with me. I guess I was trained at an early age to love modeling. It's why I wanted to do the photoshoot with Anji on my birthday. It brought me back to the time when we hung out doing that.

20. Picture this. My sister teaching my brother and I to dance, My brother being sparatic, and me in a diaper with no shirt (Yes, I was a toddler. No, I do not wear diapers anymore.) We danced to "We Are the Champions" and Brandon was going all out while my sister choreographed and I was yelling at my mom to sit down. We were an odd little bunch of kids, but dang could we dance.

21. I used to work at a Subway knock off. My dad loves me, and sometimes I forgot that, but everyday he would come to my work and get a sandwich and bring along his coworkers. It was a daily reminder of how much my dad supports and loves me. When I have a hard time or I forget something at my job now, he is so willing to drop what he's doing and bring me what I need. I love you dad!

I don't just love my dad. I love my whole family. Each one is so amazing and I could think of hundreds more memories that I could share. The good and the bad brought all of us closer. I'm so happy that my life has brought me to this point. I may complain, and I may be pessimistic sometime, but the one thing that always remains constantly positive is my family. You are all my rock, and I don't know how I'll survive Europe with out you!

Okay, I know I'll survive because it's Europe! What am I thinking. Psh!

Just kidding.

I love you Mom, Dad, Anji, Brandon, and Chris.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I was sitting in bed last night unable to sleep...when I say last night, I'm talking 2 in the morning.

As I talked to a friend it became abundantly clear what I need to do. I'm having a hard time living my life, and being happy with who I am. It makes it hard to focus on my life when I'm just sitting at a computer. I spend SO much time wasting away the day on facebook, and other internet programs.

I made the leap and decided to deactivate my account. I'm having facebook withdrawals. So this is what I'm going to do. I shall list off things that I can do to distract me from reactivating my account.

1. Washing my car.
2. Go to the zoo.
3. Pet my cat Jinks.
4. Time travel.
5. Find new music.
6. working out.
7. Making goodies to take to friends.
8. Find ways to do service.
9. Read a book.
10. Practice guitar.
11. Take a walk.
12. Take a nap.
13. Run a marathon.
14. Catch up with old friends.
15. Make others laugh at my expense.

Speaking of making others laugh...I had to go to work at Ross to talk about my scheduling, and while there I decided to put on a fashion show for some of my coworkers which quickly turned into me dressing up and making all the customers laugh. That was until one Debbie Downer told one of the cashiers to stop getting distracted because she was going to slow.

Why do sour pusses have to bring everyone down with them?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

You know how my last posts have been positive?

This one may not be.

I have come to know a few things over the past couple days.

1. I am addicted to food.
You may ask why that is a bad thing. Well I'll tell you. With other addictions you have the opportunity to steer clear of the vice. With food there is a problem. You have to eat it to survive, and if you are forced to be around it everyday it makes it near impossible to overcome the addiction. I believe this addiction has always been inside of me but when I chose to deprive my body of food for a couple months I made it so it is now in survival mood. I can wake up in the morning with little care in the world as to whether I will binge that day. I believe I have the strength to overcome the addiction. It changes when I get a piece of food in my mouth. The trigger is set and I begin to binge. I eat things I don't care for, and I eat until my stomach has swelled and my ribs are causing me pain. I lie in bed trying to wait until the food digests so I can work out, or do ANYTHING and instead eat more once the pain has gone. I used to love to run but haven't been able to for months. I begin and I'm in pain because of all that I've consumed, and the fact that I'm carrying 30 pounds of weight that I haven't carried in years.

2. I can try to be positive but at the end of the day it's like I am stuck in a fat suit. I can try to see myself as the world sees me but I try and deny that image due to some coworkers commenting on my weight gain. Why would I want to see what the world sees when they see a girl who is gaining weight? It sometimes feels worse gaining the weight than being at the weight I was. People expect a fat person to be fat, but they don't expect an average sized human being to expand.

3. I'm not 30 pounds heavier than I was when I was my lightest. I try not to weight myself in hopes that one day I'll get on and the numbers will be lower. Although the numbers aren't important it feels like the scale is once again in control of my emotions and whether I binge during the day.

4. Eating disorders may have a physical manifestation, but it isn't the disorder. It's a symptom. Although I haven't gotten to a scary number when I was my lightest, and although I had my period regularly, it didn't mean that I wasn't anorexic. I believe limiting yourself to 500 calories a day, drinking almost twice the amount of water they tell you to, and working out over 2 hours a day qualifies me as something being messed up in my brain.

This is what irritates me the most. I believe that I need to take some time for myself. I think that I need to get away from the pressures of work, boys, religion, and financial burden so that I can take time for me. Unfortunately I don't have the money. Unfortunately my insurance won't cover the charges for inpatient care.

Something needs to change within our country. The percentage of obesity is on the rise, and the media pressure is at an all time high. Overeating can be a symptom of the eating disorder way of thinking. The eating disorder is more an emotional disorder than anything else, and any odd way of eating can constitute a disorder of some sort. We need to make it easier for people to get the help they need to overcome the underlying issues.

I'm irate by the fact that I can't do this on my own, and a therapist likes to focus on whether or not I've been abused as a child. The answer is NO. I have not been abused as a child, and it isn't a cause. I need someone that has dealt with eating disorders. I need help. I want help. I'm asking for help, and a part of me feels like there isn't a way out of this cycle. I want to be me again. I want my life back and sometimes it seems like no one could care about if I am doing okay.

The worst part is that I had the opportunity to talk to a friend that needed me tonight and I see that everyone has a big problem or trial in their lives, and I become so focused on my own that I forget the goals that I have set for myself to help others.

Sorry guys. I needed to vent and I figure typing it all out would help.

I love you readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope that all of you are finding help for your own trials. Don't do things alone. I know there are people out there who will help you, and I know this because my parents are helping me through my problems.

Yes. I know I wrote above that I feel like no one is trying to help me, and what I'm saying is that no one that knows how to help me and who has dealt with eating disorders is in my life.

I wish everyone the best. Hugs and kisses.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My days at Ross are numbered!

Over the past couple times that I've gone into work at Ross I've come out feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and peeved off. Through this and the fact that there are a few things I have to do before I finish my application for the Peace Corps I thought about thinking deeply into my career goals.

I've wanted to help others (as I've listed on here multiple times) and I need to do something that actually pays because service is nice, but I won't be able to live on it.

So after much deliberation I've decided to get a degree in human resources, and I'll also look into multiple foreign languages to help those in other countries as well. This is going to help me in my Peace Corps dreams along with helping me to make sure others don't have a terrible time at work like I've had.

It's amazing to think how 2 terrible jobs in a row can be such a learning experience. Although I hated having to work those jobs it's ultimately been a blessing. What's even more amazing is how many different ways you can look at a situation. It's nice to look on the positive after being so frustrated when I got home.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Customers. Retail. Enough said.

Read my title on this post. That's pretty much all that comes to mind at the moment.

Just a heads up to those that ever feel like you have the right to yell at those that are helping you.

1. Don't yell at someone who isn't to blame. You may think you're making a point but all you're doing is making me giggle inside because I can only see one thing when you do it.

2. Karma sucks. Piss off the wrong people and you anger the karma Gods and then woopsie! You end up getting it worse. For example. A lady at Ross started to yell at me about how I was a terrible employee because I didn't help her fast enough. Guess who had the security sensors go off on them in front of the couple dozen people standing around. The annoying lady, and I didn't mean for it to happen either.

3. Each person is a human being, and as human beings we make mistakes. I mean imagine being this guy and having to go to the office the next day!

4. When you yell at the workers somewhere it isn't just the worker who thinks you're an idiot. The customers around you can't stand a yeller. They feel sorry for you. They pity you. You're like Pumba after eating a meal. No one wants to be around you because you're a big, nasty, smelly-


Friday, April 1, 2011

My thoughts for today

I am waiting for my food to settle so I can go workout and as I was thinking of what to do I thought I'd update my highly public, and oh so stalked blog...what do you mean no one religiously stalks my blog? Well I will take that as a compliment. No! Don't tell me otherwise. I'm taking it as a compliment.

These are random thoughts I had today.

I sat in the dry cleaners today waiting for time to go by and I saw a guy coming out of a sushi restaurant wearing a kilt. If there was ever a time for that starburst guy to pop up and talk about contradictions it was then.

Pita bread may be for making a delicious sandwich but dang does it taste good as is.

My ability at balancing my finances is not the best, and therefore I believe it's time to ask the man of the financing himself on how to get better. Now where's my dad?

It was sunny today which means it's going to snow about a foot overnight and I'll still have to go to work in the morning.

Why is it that when you make an appointment with the doctor they don't know if they can squeeze you in anytime soon, but when you tell them it could be a serious problem they all of a sudden find a slot early the next morning?

How do people run in those booty shorts they call work out clothes? I try ones to my knees and I feel like they're riding up in all the wrong places. Same with tank top sweats. I'm trying to lose weight, not have a wardrobe malfunction and flash the entire gym with said weight.

Has my cat trained my family or has my family trained the cat? Either way she get's treats and we think we're winning the battle.

If aliens came to earth and saw us picking up poop after our dogs would they consider us to be the servants of the dogs? And if they would see dogs as superior would we have to worry about being killed off? I mean, we'd be the underdogs and of no threat...that's what they think.

And basically that's been my day. That, work, and watching a little TV that is.

Have I told you how much I love not working at Ross?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Gas stations

Gas stations are a breeding ground for who knows what. The icky bathrooms, the overcooked/dry hot dogs, the creepy old dudes with missing teeth that have no problem smiling creepily at you...just to name a few things.

But every now and then when I'm at my grungiest and wanna get a random drink from a station nearby I find a man behind the counter that is a wee bit too old for me, that decides that I'm his hot little baby doll. First Maverick and now Sinclair.

Part of me questions why these men find me attractive, and part of me is flattered.

Tonight I wanted to get some coffee on my way home from a cake consultation and I saw a Sinclair. I stopped in and went to the coffee station and the guy said he was out. So I smiled and said dang, and went to leave until he offered to whip me up some. Which I have to admit was the nicest thing a gas station employee has done for me. So I said I didn't want to bother him but he had already started to prepare it. I (of course) willingly accepted and we started to chat a little.

He said he was a painter and what not, and I told him I decorated cakes, and did a little retail job and what not. Well long story short he said that he would love the opportunity to airbrush some of my cakes, and kept hinting for us to swap numbers, maybe share some time together and that I should come back to the gas station. He asked if I was from around here, and if I was moving anytime soon.

I'm irresistible I tell ya! What man wouldn't want me?! Anywho. This is what I learned.

1. Myself and EVERY person no matter how you look, are always beautiful to someone. Even if you didn't shower and you look like you rolled out of bed.
2. I can never go back to the Sinclair or I risk actually having some random guy getting my number.
3. I will meet my future hubbie in a gas station...probably.
4. The guy at Sinclair wants to "airbrush my cakes."

Good day for learning! And you never know. Maybe one day with my gorgeous-ness I'll get a discount and we'll have it be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Here's hoping! :D

Friday, March 25, 2011


It's almost one in the morning and guess who hasn't slept!?

How'd you guys guess it was me? Oh...right...I'm typing this.

So I have a lot going through my mind and although I haven't been able to control my eating habits and have relapsed into my binging again (although the purging I'm not allowing myself to do) and have gained a total of 25 pounds back from my lowest point, I'm not hurting so bad from it.

I have taken the past couple days to think over things and try and pin point why I've been acting this way, and I came up with a couple of questions in my mind and the one that has stuck out to me is the fact that people in this life never want to be the person to break the bad news to others. They don't want to risk hurting someones feelings, and it was this form of thinking that has hurt me for almost ALL of my life after highschool.

I remember one incident where I introduced 2 friends to each other and after telling the guy I liked him he said he was leery about starting another relationship. I completely understood and didn't press the matter...that is until I found out that he began to date the friend I'd introduced him to behind my back.

Why lie to me? Do you think it's going to hurt less when you sit and deny something to my face, and make me feel like you have to have a secret relationship to spare my feelings? You can't just date because that risks hurting me...really?

I don't want to be the reason you can't live a normal life. I'm a big girl. Just tell me the truth and stop denying it!

I've noticed an overwhelming majority of times when friends do this. They make up some crap excuse so that they don't "hurt my feelings" and then ultimately hurt me more when I find out about what's really going on.

The point of this post dear readers is that this life is short. We are adults. Why lie and risk hurting someone worse farther down the line then taking the chance to tell them the truth and have them hurt for a bit but eventually respect you for being honest?

So tell me the truth people! If I annoy you to the point of wanting to punch me out then tell me! If you are inspired by me tell me. If you think I'm making a stupid decision for my future don't spare me the hurt and just knock some sense into me. Believe me when I say that I can handle it. Don't try to save me from pain. Life is pain, but that pain makes us strong, and helps us to grow as a human being. Please don't deprive me of my growth, and I'll try not to deprive you of yours.

Life as I know it.

I was talking to my mom the other night at as we discussed my future we decided it was time to look towards a life of service. Our interests turned toward the Peace Corps. She told me that even if I didn't pray anymore, it might be in my best interest to do so and ask God for the assistance to decide what direction I need to take for my future.

I did, and not only did I pray for guidance but I apologized for my past accusations toward him. If a trial came my way I would automatically look at it as a punishment for past transgressions. I then would get angry because I felt that I was being unjustly punished because I was only human and humans are bound to make mistakes. When a trial that seemed to hard for me to handle would come I would yell in frustration at God and demand he give me the strength to get through it. I would demand things that weren't in my right to demand. I didn't see trials as opportunities for growth and that was a giant flaw that needed to be fixed.

I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace once I was finished, and today during my downtime at work I began the application process for the Peace Corps. It's to soon to say if I'll be accepted but I hope that I am. Please send out your prayers for me as I look towards this new journey and opportunity in my life. The process will take a couple months to a year to complete. It will be full of ups and downs, and if I'm accepted I'll be gone for 27 months. I'm excited for what my future holds and I hope that I have the ability to help others the way that others have helped me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Have you ever felt like you just needed to get away? I do ALL the time. So last week that's just what I did. As I returned home I had a couple things to think over, and it came to a head today. It really was a day of tears.

As I hung out with a couple of friends some things unfolded and I had that overwhelming urge to think over my life. And another overwhelming urge to get away again.

So I did. It was probably the stupidest thing that I've done in my life. I was at a friends which was a couple miles away from my house. Usually that wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't take into account that it was snowing, I didn't have running shoes on, it was 3 in the morning, and that I had short sleeves on.

About half way home I tried to clench my fingers together. I'd heard if you can't touch them you have frostbite. So every couple minutes I clenched my fingers together. Every time I felt my fingertips touch I thanked God. I could no longer see out of my glasses due to the snow that was falling. With each step I prayed that I wasn't going to fall off the curb. At one point I felt my feet plunge into puddles of ice cold water, and I heard them squeak over the eerie silence. My socks were soaked by this point, and although I could still touch my fingertips together it was getting harder to do so.

Some may call me crazy, and let's face it, I call myself crazy everyday for the stupid things I do. I test death, that's for sure. But if I hadn't done what I did, I don't think I would have learned what I did in my last post.

It was this simple act of touching my fingertips together that kept me going. At times life may seem like it's this giant undertaking that we can't endure. We know the ending, and we may even know how to get there, but we don't realize the difficulties it takes to get to the end we want.

As I ran I felt like I just needed to push forward. I resorted to aiming for a stoplight that lay ahead as long as it meant I was closer to home.

Some may classify home as the building you live in. Some may classify home as their loved ones. For me, I classify it as returning to our eternal happiness with all of our loved ones that have lived before us, and those that live after us. I returned home and felt the cold, soggy feeling slip away, and it was replaced with a sense of security, and the warmth flooded my limbs.

It was the small feet of touching my fingertips and trying to reach the next stoplight that kept me pushing forward.

Life is that way. It's the little things we do, and the little goals we reach that catapult us to our final destination, and to our nice warm, secure home.

It's true my actions were stupid, and I will probably never run under those conditions again, but it was my stupidity and some amazing friends that got me to learn a valuable lesson.

Don't follow in my footsteps literally...and by that I mean, don't go running at 3 in the morning because cops do pull up beside you and ask for your name and address in order to find out if you're running away from someone or just stupid. No joke. The cop kept a very watchful eye on me as I ran. Bless his soul.

But feel free to take what I've written and run with it. Takes on a whole new meaning huh?


I haven't been able to sleep. I've hidden it from people the past couple of days. My mind has been on a constant roller coaster of emotions, and it shows no signs of slowing down or smoothing out. With each day it seems to be building up speed as new things are added to it.

While all this has been happening I've felt an odd pull towards things I once deemed malarkey. I find myself wishing I could turn back the clock to when I made the choice to distance myself from the church. I'm not saying I am willing to look past all the bad that has come of it, and I'm not saying that I believe the gospel is a form of evil but what I'm saying is that it's been such a long time since I've felt something. I don't know what you may call it, but I call it love.

I have a loving family. They show me how much they love me, but it hasn't hit me. I always question why I'd deserve it when I spent the first half of my life being the girl that tears others down. A bully. Why would parents and siblings love a person that made others feel less than their best?

It was tonight that I realized I have the most amazing people in my life and I don't think they even know how amazing they are. Their words of comfort brought me to tears, and I found myself questioning all the bad I'd thought of over the past few days.

I play the victim. I do. At times I choose to look at things negatively because that's easier to do than searching for the small glimmer of light within the sea of muddled thoughts and hurt feelings.

I'm not saying I'm now a perfect being, but I AM saying that I am one step closer to becoming a person I'm proud of. So many times I look in the mirror and automatically zoom in on the fact that my waistline isn't the smallest, or the fact that sometimes I don't feel like trying so I stay in my pj's and eat ice cream.

I choose to overlook the fact that I have a nice smile that I've worked hard to maintain, or the fact that I have strong legs that can carry me as I run miles through the hazardous weather outside. I overlook the fact that I have curves, and that I not only am beautiful on the outside, but on the inside

Why do we do that? Why do we as a human race look at the bad, and feel we are a burden unless we have hordes of people paying us compliments, and even then CHOOSE to negate those good feelings and still see the imperfections?

I said that I'd help those with their body image, but how am I to do that when I still see the 215 pound girl crying in the mirror, and wishing desperately that she could change? People still loved me at that weight, and just because I loved food a little to much, I was happier then. I didn't feel worthless. I felt like I could concur the world. And as I lost that weight I lost sight of myself.

Where is that child like naivety that makes life so enjoyable? That same way of thinking that is squashed when we see the damsel in movies as this beautiful woman who gets the guy in the end? The thought process that disappears as we look through magazines and define beautiful as a girl with the body of a small child, and the perfectly symmetrical face? Yes, those girls are beautiful in their own right, but we are ALL beautiful.

And I question why I live such a privileged life and feel terrible for those less fortunate, and sit in my room crying at night wishing I could change someones life for the better. I do this, and yet don't get up to help those that live next door, or those that I see walking along the street. I don't care enough about myself to focus my efforts of caring on me.

Selfishness is not accepting that you're amazing, and accepting compliments when they are given. The true form of selfishness is to choose to ignore. And even when we feel there is no ability to change, we pick ourselves up and just do it. That's what's great about humanity. We adapt. We grow, and we learn.

I had an epiphany tonight. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the chance and just let myself show. For once I felt like I could say how I felt and my friends wouldn't abandon me. I'm not saying that I didn't have good friends before tonight. I'm saying that I knew something was going to happen. I felt a strong unexplainable need to share my life, and it was my choice to let others in. It was my choice to lean on others in a way I hadn't done before. These friends were so willing to open their hearts to listen to me vent. They were willing to console me as I cried, and because of it something beautiful happened.

We learned together.

So take what I write and run with it. Don't sit around waiting for the change to happen. You could be the change someone needs. Love one another. Let your loved ones know, and don't think that your trials and burdens are any less than others. We are all trying to get through this life and we need one another to do it. Allow others to lean on you, and they will return the favor.

I love you all. I don't say it enough. But I want to start.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Creativity. Do some have it while others do not?

My friend was talking to me the other day about how she felt worthless. She felt like her past was getting in the way of her future, and as I talked she told me she thought I was hilarious, and wishes she could be as creative as I could be. It occurred to me that I have no real answer as to if I was blessed creativity or that there was something in our lives that was different enough that we grew up to think differently...I don't know how to say that and make it sound smart, so just deal with it people. I'm unfortunately not a genius. It wasn't something I have in my personality...grid...see! When I sound smart it comes out sounding like someone threw words together and called it a masterpiece.

Anyways. As I pondered over this conversation it occurred to me that creativity is within all of us. How many times when you are working with a group of people do you have an idea, but are afraid to share it because you're afraid others won't think it's good? I'll be the first to say that I lack the confidence to do that sometimes because I'm afraid I'll "fail".

As I've grown and gone to school I have been taught that there is a right and wrong answer. If it isn't right, then it HAS to be wrong. I would sit in class and think about how I'd gotten this problem or that problem wrong and although I may have gotten a couple of things right, I didn't focus on those. I focused on trying to figure out why I'd gotten some wrong.

Once I graduated and headed to college I transferred that thinking to what careers I could go into in order to make a living. I didn't care that acting, singing, and dancing were almost like oxygen to me. I felt depressed if I wasn't doing them. The only thoughts I entertained were which career could I be ok going into? What job could I get that I'd be able to get by on for the years before retirement? It didn't occur to me that I was an individual that needed to do what she loved and find a way to live doing it.

I was sitting at work searching videos on YouTube just trying to find something to pass my time, and I came across one that explained everything I'd been questioning, and I was impressed to write this and share the video so that others can hopefully be helped by it as well.

I pulled a lot from the video but another thing I wanted to stress was that talents are not dependent on what you've been blessed with. Talents are dependent on what you enjoy doing and how hard you work on being better in that area.

If there is a talent that someone possesses and you're jealous of it DON'T be! Stop wishing you were a certain way and practice it! Don't be scared to "fail" either. Failing isn't a word that should be in anyone's vocabulary. Instead replace it with the idea of it being a learning experience!

Sorry. I'm scatterbrained. Watch the video everyone! I command you! :) Please?

Friday, March 4, 2011

I really wanna be funny again

My last few posts have been so sad. I think I'm in one of those analyzing yourself cycles that are just so fun to get into.

I got out of work last night at 11:30, and I wasn't having the best day. It was freezing and there was this car parked beside mine. Talk about being a little freaky since there were two people sitting in it just staring at me. It wasn't until I got to my door and saw Beth that I realized that they were friends and they were there to see me.

Nelly is my best guy friend. We've gone through a lot considering we've only known each other seriously for a couple months. He helped me get through a lot and tomorrow he'll be in Arkansas(right? I hope so or I don't look like a good friend) at a new job. I was sad because I wasn't going to see him before he left due to me working.

He is sweet. I'll be the first to praise him, and I needed to see him and Beth. It's been way to long. It's amazing that little things like stalking me at work until I got out would mean so much to me. Thank you Beth for convincing him I wouldn't be creeped out. Haha, and Nelly.

Nelly. I'll miss you. You've been such a rock in my life. You helped me get through lots and I'll never forget all the amazing things you've done for me.

Driving behind me to make sure I got home safe, dropping everything to pick me up as I walked around the neighborhood alone, buying Prince of Egypt for me. AW!!! Driving to Wyoming overnight just so we could have time to talk. Involving me in your life as you tried to get over she who must not be named. And most importantly making me realize that I am worth something, and that I won't be rejected for showing my true self.

I wish you the best, and I hope one day you can find someone that does for you what you did for me. Thanks for being the most amazing guy I've ever known. You've given me faith that there are still nice guys out there.
You have a special place in my heart Nelly!

I said I'd make sure my loved ones knew how I felt, and it's gonna happen with you. You are like a brother to me Nelly, and I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.

Peace and love Nelly! You'll do amazing. :)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Analyze this!

So I have found that every night before I doze off into dream world my mind drifts towards my life and how to make myself a better person.

Recently I realized that I have a way of snubbing people off when I feel that I am not wanted. I am so concerned about feeling worth something to people at least enough that I am remembered.

I've looked back on my life and I liked a guy and would text him every now and then. With each occasion we carried on a nice conversation until a few texts in he would say he unfortunately didn't have my number in is phone and wanted to know who it was that he was texting.

To me it meant 1 thing. I jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't remembered because I wasn't worth a thing to this guy. From occurrences like this I came to base my self worth on what others thought of me.

I would be nice to this guy when I felt he remembered me and then snub him off after each time he said he didn't have my number which made me seem bipolar. Through that it made me feel less worth something because he wanted less to do with me.

My point in telling this to the internet community...or at least those that read my blog is that the only one that can decide your worth is in fact yourself.

So what if a person doesn't like you enough to remember you? Out of the thousands of people a day you come in contact with you can't make all of them love you. In fact if you were to meet every person on the planet throughout your life there is a high probability that at least 50% of people won't click with you. It's a fact of life, and this guy although may have been a victim of my misplaced worth, shouldn't have been a part of my life, or my attention.

I can be offended by his actions, but I shouldn't take them to heart because he is the one that missed out on getting to know me, and through this experience I've come to realize that each person has something to offer others. Each person needs a friend, and each person deserves to have those around them lift them up rather then have them doubt themselves.

My point dear readers is that you are all a gift. You may be a blessing in disguise to someone. You are a life changing part in those around you.

You may not realize who you help, and you may never find out who you've helped in this life, but it doesn't matter. The important part of this life is to find yourself happy each night at the things you've accomplished throughout the day.

Think of all the people in the world that you can affect just by keeping your head up, smiling at those around you, and saying hi.

There may be someone out there that feels they aren't loved, but YOUR hello may mean more than you think.

So the things I've learned from my analysis is that you need to...
1. Set your own self worth, and don't let any of the negative influences tear you down.
2. Share your happiness with others, and try to project that happiness to others.
and 3. Be yourself, and if someone doesn't like you, it's there loss, not yours.

I love you guys. Even if I don't say it all the time, each one of you has affected me in some positive way. Just by reading this blog it shows support, and that you care enough about me that you care what is going on in my life.

I hope that sharing my experiences with others helps those around me, and I've always wanted to do service to others. The goal on the top of my list was to use my experiences to help others.

I always wanted to travel the world, and build things for those in desolate places. I wanted to teach English to those that could have a better life for it, and all these big goals made me overlook all the good I can do to those here at home.

Don't let life pass you by. Live each day like it's your last, and share your happiness. Be a beacon to those that are lost, and accept people for who they are, not what you want them to be.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I'll try and say it right this time...

Oeph...finkle lama dama ding dong...or something like that is the new zodiac sign. That's right. I have no idea how to pronounce it but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's spiffy nonetheless. I brought my laptop to work so that I could work on my story during slow times, but alas I forgot to grab my thumb drive this morning and silly me forgot to save a whole whopping 20 pages onto my computer. I don't want to rewrite anything so I have had to resort to other fun things while I wait for people to traverse through this icky weather to get dry cleaning.

Some may laugh that people would venture through the gloom to get a shirt they dropped off a couple days ago. Well apparently everyone believes this is the perfect time to pick it up, so thankfully it hasn't been insanely slow. During those dreadful slow times I've had time to look up the new zodiac info.

Now as most of you can tell I am a Cancer. Emotional, loving, intuitive, moody, touchy and unable to let go of things. Describes me to a T.

This new sign, although not being put into affect for those born before 2009, has gotten me thinking. As I read the qualities of Gemini which is my new sign I felt like I could cross off everything because none of it sounded like me. I mean witty?

This my friends is why I have a blog and why I'm funnier on facebook. I have time to think of scenarios and funny pictures in my head. If I talked about something that was hilarious on here in real life it would sound as bad as an elephant being stuck in my car engine.

Just so you know I spent 10 minutes trying to come up with something witty. My other options could have been:

As nagging as Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber having a baby that was determined to start it's own musical career.

As overplayed as the Proactiv commercials on TV.

As bland as the Shane Co diamond radio commercials.

As long winded as Sarah Palin. get my point.

So as I read them and disagreed with the qualities listed I wondered how my previous zodiac could be so spot on. When I was growing did I have these qualities subconsciously forming because I believed that's what I had to be? Was it just a coincidence? Or could it be that there really is something going on with these things we like to call constellations?

It's things like this that have my pondering what's really going on. There are times when I believe that things are fated to happen, and times that I find are simply odd coincidences, or even sheer dumb luck. But the only thing I know for sure is that I don't know the answers to things, I'm not perfect, I get long winded, I'm judgemental, but most important of all is that I'm mortal. I may not be the smartest in the world or even the prettiest, but I share something in common with everyone. We all walk on this planet knowing almost nothing of the infinite knowledge that is out there. We are little bitty ameobas in the span of the universe, but we're living this life together, and I'm glad to be living it with the people I've met along my journey.

Alas I think that adding another zodiac is cool but random just like when they bonked off Pluto from the list of planets. That's like giving a kid a candy bar and letting them take a bite but then taking it away and chucking it at their head before pushing them in the mud. That little kid had so much going for him and then you crush his dreams. Way to go scientists! You ruined Pluto's dreams.