Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Gas stations

Gas stations are a breeding ground for who knows what. The icky bathrooms, the overcooked/dry hot dogs, the creepy old dudes with missing teeth that have no problem smiling creepily at you...just to name a few things.

But every now and then when I'm at my grungiest and wanna get a random drink from a station nearby I find a man behind the counter that is a wee bit too old for me, that decides that I'm his hot little baby doll. First Maverick and now Sinclair.

Part of me questions why these men find me attractive, and part of me is flattered.

Tonight I wanted to get some coffee on my way home from a cake consultation and I saw a Sinclair. I stopped in and went to the coffee station and the guy said he was out. So I smiled and said dang, and went to leave until he offered to whip me up some. Which I have to admit was the nicest thing a gas station employee has done for me. So I said I didn't want to bother him but he had already started to prepare it. I (of course) willingly accepted and we started to chat a little.

He said he was a painter and what not, and I told him I decorated cakes, and did a little retail job and what not. Well long story short he said that he would love the opportunity to airbrush some of my cakes, and kept hinting for us to swap numbers, maybe share some time together and that I should come back to the gas station. He asked if I was from around here, and if I was moving anytime soon.

I'm irresistible I tell ya! What man wouldn't want me?! Anywho. This is what I learned.

1. Myself and EVERY person no matter how you look, are always beautiful to someone. Even if you didn't shower and you look like you rolled out of bed.
2. I can never go back to the Sinclair or I risk actually having some random guy getting my number.
3. I will meet my future hubbie in a gas station...probably.
4. The guy at Sinclair wants to "airbrush my cakes."

Good day for learning! And you never know. Maybe one day with my gorgeous-ness I'll get a discount and we'll have it be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Here's hoping! :D

Friday, March 25, 2011


It's almost one in the morning and guess who hasn't slept!?

How'd you guys guess it was me? Oh...right...I'm typing this.

So I have a lot going through my mind and although I haven't been able to control my eating habits and have relapsed into my binging again (although the purging I'm not allowing myself to do) and have gained a total of 25 pounds back from my lowest point, I'm not hurting so bad from it.

I have taken the past couple days to think over things and try and pin point why I've been acting this way, and I came up with a couple of questions in my mind and the one that has stuck out to me is the fact that people in this life never want to be the person to break the bad news to others. They don't want to risk hurting someones feelings, and it was this form of thinking that has hurt me for almost ALL of my life after highschool.

I remember one incident where I introduced 2 friends to each other and after telling the guy I liked him he said he was leery about starting another relationship. I completely understood and didn't press the matter...that is until I found out that he began to date the friend I'd introduced him to behind my back.

Why lie to me? Do you think it's going to hurt less when you sit and deny something to my face, and make me feel like you have to have a secret relationship to spare my feelings? You can't just date because that risks hurting me...really?

I don't want to be the reason you can't live a normal life. I'm a big girl. Just tell me the truth and stop denying it!

I've noticed an overwhelming majority of times when friends do this. They make up some crap excuse so that they don't "hurt my feelings" and then ultimately hurt me more when I find out about what's really going on.

The point of this post dear readers is that this life is short. We are adults. Why lie and risk hurting someone worse farther down the line then taking the chance to tell them the truth and have them hurt for a bit but eventually respect you for being honest?

So tell me the truth people! If I annoy you to the point of wanting to punch me out then tell me! If you are inspired by me tell me. If you think I'm making a stupid decision for my future don't spare me the hurt and just knock some sense into me. Believe me when I say that I can handle it. Don't try to save me from pain. Life is pain, but that pain makes us strong, and helps us to grow as a human being. Please don't deprive me of my growth, and I'll try not to deprive you of yours.

Life as I know it.

I was talking to my mom the other night at as we discussed my future we decided it was time to look towards a life of service. Our interests turned toward the Peace Corps. She told me that even if I didn't pray anymore, it might be in my best interest to do so and ask God for the assistance to decide what direction I need to take for my future.

I did, and not only did I pray for guidance but I apologized for my past accusations toward him. If a trial came my way I would automatically look at it as a punishment for past transgressions. I then would get angry because I felt that I was being unjustly punished because I was only human and humans are bound to make mistakes. When a trial that seemed to hard for me to handle would come I would yell in frustration at God and demand he give me the strength to get through it. I would demand things that weren't in my right to demand. I didn't see trials as opportunities for growth and that was a giant flaw that needed to be fixed.

I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace once I was finished, and today during my downtime at work I began the application process for the Peace Corps. It's to soon to say if I'll be accepted but I hope that I am. Please send out your prayers for me as I look towards this new journey and opportunity in my life. The process will take a couple months to a year to complete. It will be full of ups and downs, and if I'm accepted I'll be gone for 27 months. I'm excited for what my future holds and I hope that I have the ability to help others the way that others have helped me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Have you ever felt like you just needed to get away? I do ALL the time. So last week that's just what I did. As I returned home I had a couple things to think over, and it came to a head today. It really was a day of tears.

As I hung out with a couple of friends some things unfolded and I had that overwhelming urge to think over my life. And another overwhelming urge to get away again.

So I did. It was probably the stupidest thing that I've done in my life. I was at a friends which was a couple miles away from my house. Usually that wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't take into account that it was snowing, I didn't have running shoes on, it was 3 in the morning, and that I had short sleeves on.

About half way home I tried to clench my fingers together. I'd heard if you can't touch them you have frostbite. So every couple minutes I clenched my fingers together. Every time I felt my fingertips touch I thanked God. I could no longer see out of my glasses due to the snow that was falling. With each step I prayed that I wasn't going to fall off the curb. At one point I felt my feet plunge into puddles of ice cold water, and I heard them squeak over the eerie silence. My socks were soaked by this point, and although I could still touch my fingertips together it was getting harder to do so.

Some may call me crazy, and let's face it, I call myself crazy everyday for the stupid things I do. I test death, that's for sure. But if I hadn't done what I did, I don't think I would have learned what I did in my last post.

It was this simple act of touching my fingertips together that kept me going. At times life may seem like it's this giant undertaking that we can't endure. We know the ending, and we may even know how to get there, but we don't realize the difficulties it takes to get to the end we want.

As I ran I felt like I just needed to push forward. I resorted to aiming for a stoplight that lay ahead as long as it meant I was closer to home.

Some may classify home as the building you live in. Some may classify home as their loved ones. For me, I classify it as returning to our eternal happiness with all of our loved ones that have lived before us, and those that live after us. I returned home and felt the cold, soggy feeling slip away, and it was replaced with a sense of security, and the warmth flooded my limbs.

It was the small feet of touching my fingertips and trying to reach the next stoplight that kept me pushing forward.

Life is that way. It's the little things we do, and the little goals we reach that catapult us to our final destination, and to our nice warm, secure home.

It's true my actions were stupid, and I will probably never run under those conditions again, but it was my stupidity and some amazing friends that got me to learn a valuable lesson.

Don't follow in my footsteps literally...and by that I mean, don't go running at 3 in the morning because cops do pull up beside you and ask for your name and address in order to find out if you're running away from someone or just stupid. No joke. The cop kept a very watchful eye on me as I ran. Bless his soul.

But feel free to take what I've written and run with it. Takes on a whole new meaning huh?


I haven't been able to sleep. I've hidden it from people the past couple of days. My mind has been on a constant roller coaster of emotions, and it shows no signs of slowing down or smoothing out. With each day it seems to be building up speed as new things are added to it.

While all this has been happening I've felt an odd pull towards things I once deemed malarkey. I find myself wishing I could turn back the clock to when I made the choice to distance myself from the church. I'm not saying I am willing to look past all the bad that has come of it, and I'm not saying that I believe the gospel is a form of evil but what I'm saying is that it's been such a long time since I've felt something. I don't know what you may call it, but I call it love.

I have a loving family. They show me how much they love me, but it hasn't hit me. I always question why I'd deserve it when I spent the first half of my life being the girl that tears others down. A bully. Why would parents and siblings love a person that made others feel less than their best?

It was tonight that I realized I have the most amazing people in my life and I don't think they even know how amazing they are. Their words of comfort brought me to tears, and I found myself questioning all the bad I'd thought of over the past few days.

I play the victim. I do. At times I choose to look at things negatively because that's easier to do than searching for the small glimmer of light within the sea of muddled thoughts and hurt feelings.

I'm not saying I'm now a perfect being, but I AM saying that I am one step closer to becoming a person I'm proud of. So many times I look in the mirror and automatically zoom in on the fact that my waistline isn't the smallest, or the fact that sometimes I don't feel like trying so I stay in my pj's and eat ice cream.

I choose to overlook the fact that I have a nice smile that I've worked hard to maintain, or the fact that I have strong legs that can carry me as I run miles through the hazardous weather outside. I overlook the fact that I have curves, and that I not only am beautiful on the outside, but on the inside

Why do we do that? Why do we as a human race look at the bad, and feel we are a burden unless we have hordes of people paying us compliments, and even then CHOOSE to negate those good feelings and still see the imperfections?

I said that I'd help those with their body image, but how am I to do that when I still see the 215 pound girl crying in the mirror, and wishing desperately that she could change? People still loved me at that weight, and just because I loved food a little to much, I was happier then. I didn't feel worthless. I felt like I could concur the world. And as I lost that weight I lost sight of myself.

Where is that child like naivety that makes life so enjoyable? That same way of thinking that is squashed when we see the damsel in movies as this beautiful woman who gets the guy in the end? The thought process that disappears as we look through magazines and define beautiful as a girl with the body of a small child, and the perfectly symmetrical face? Yes, those girls are beautiful in their own right, but we are ALL beautiful.

And I question why I live such a privileged life and feel terrible for those less fortunate, and sit in my room crying at night wishing I could change someones life for the better. I do this, and yet don't get up to help those that live next door, or those that I see walking along the street. I don't care enough about myself to focus my efforts of caring on me.

Selfishness is not accepting that you're amazing, and accepting compliments when they are given. The true form of selfishness is to choose to ignore. And even when we feel there is no ability to change, we pick ourselves up and just do it. That's what's great about humanity. We adapt. We grow, and we learn.

I had an epiphany tonight. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the chance and just let myself show. For once I felt like I could say how I felt and my friends wouldn't abandon me. I'm not saying that I didn't have good friends before tonight. I'm saying that I knew something was going to happen. I felt a strong unexplainable need to share my life, and it was my choice to let others in. It was my choice to lean on others in a way I hadn't done before. These friends were so willing to open their hearts to listen to me vent. They were willing to console me as I cried, and because of it something beautiful happened.

We learned together.

So take what I write and run with it. Don't sit around waiting for the change to happen. You could be the change someone needs. Love one another. Let your loved ones know, and don't think that your trials and burdens are any less than others. We are all trying to get through this life and we need one another to do it. Allow others to lean on you, and they will return the favor.

I love you all. I don't say it enough. But I want to start.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Creativity. Do some have it while others do not?

My friend was talking to me the other day about how she felt worthless. She felt like her past was getting in the way of her future, and as I talked she told me she thought I was hilarious, and wishes she could be as creative as I could be. It occurred to me that I have no real answer as to if I was blessed creativity or that there was something in our lives that was different enough that we grew up to think differently...I don't know how to say that and make it sound smart, so just deal with it people. I'm unfortunately not a genius. It wasn't something I have in my personality...grid...see! When I sound smart it comes out sounding like someone threw words together and called it a masterpiece.

Anyways. As I pondered over this conversation it occurred to me that creativity is within all of us. How many times when you are working with a group of people do you have an idea, but are afraid to share it because you're afraid others won't think it's good? I'll be the first to say that I lack the confidence to do that sometimes because I'm afraid I'll "fail".

As I've grown and gone to school I have been taught that there is a right and wrong answer. If it isn't right, then it HAS to be wrong. I would sit in class and think about how I'd gotten this problem or that problem wrong and although I may have gotten a couple of things right, I didn't focus on those. I focused on trying to figure out why I'd gotten some wrong.

Once I graduated and headed to college I transferred that thinking to what careers I could go into in order to make a living. I didn't care that acting, singing, and dancing were almost like oxygen to me. I felt depressed if I wasn't doing them. The only thoughts I entertained were which career could I be ok going into? What job could I get that I'd be able to get by on for the years before retirement? It didn't occur to me that I was an individual that needed to do what she loved and find a way to live doing it.

I was sitting at work searching videos on YouTube just trying to find something to pass my time, and I came across one that explained everything I'd been questioning, and I was impressed to write this and share the video so that others can hopefully be helped by it as well.

I pulled a lot from the video but another thing I wanted to stress was that talents are not dependent on what you've been blessed with. Talents are dependent on what you enjoy doing and how hard you work on being better in that area.

If there is a talent that someone possesses and you're jealous of it DON'T be! Stop wishing you were a certain way and practice it! Don't be scared to "fail" either. Failing isn't a word that should be in anyone's vocabulary. Instead replace it with the idea of it being a learning experience!

Sorry. I'm scatterbrained. Watch the video everyone! I command you! :) Please?

Friday, March 4, 2011

I really wanna be funny again

My last few posts have been so sad. I think I'm in one of those analyzing yourself cycles that are just so fun to get into.

I got out of work last night at 11:30, and I wasn't having the best day. It was freezing and there was this car parked beside mine. Talk about being a little freaky since there were two people sitting in it just staring at me. It wasn't until I got to my door and saw Beth that I realized that they were friends and they were there to see me.

Nelly is my best guy friend. We've gone through a lot considering we've only known each other seriously for a couple months. He helped me get through a lot and tomorrow he'll be in Arkansas(right? I hope so or I don't look like a good friend) at a new job. I was sad because I wasn't going to see him before he left due to me working.

He is sweet. I'll be the first to praise him, and I needed to see him and Beth. It's been way to long. It's amazing that little things like stalking me at work until I got out would mean so much to me. Thank you Beth for convincing him I wouldn't be creeped out. Haha, and Nelly.

Nelly. I'll miss you. You've been such a rock in my life. You helped me get through lots and I'll never forget all the amazing things you've done for me.

Driving behind me to make sure I got home safe, dropping everything to pick me up as I walked around the neighborhood alone, buying Prince of Egypt for me. AW!!! Driving to Wyoming overnight just so we could have time to talk. Involving me in your life as you tried to get over she who must not be named. And most importantly making me realize that I am worth something, and that I won't be rejected for showing my true self.

I wish you the best, and I hope one day you can find someone that does for you what you did for me. Thanks for being the most amazing guy I've ever known. You've given me faith that there are still nice guys out there.
You have a special place in my heart Nelly!

I said I'd make sure my loved ones knew how I felt, and it's gonna happen with you. You are like a brother to me Nelly, and I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.

Peace and love Nelly! You'll do amazing. :)