Relapsing

I haven't been on this site for awhile. I actually have been having a pretty tough time lately.

Let me paint a picture for you.

I'm upstairs on my laptop lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. Downstairs there's a party. I hear people laughing, and I hear music. But what I hear most of all is the pounding, negative voice in my head.

I've been exhibiting old behaviors from the days when I binged, and ate my feelings, from the days that I weighed over 200 pounds, and couldn't figure out how to lose it.

I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and remembered that I used to have this blog to write out my feelings, so I got on and started reading over my last couple posts. I'm ashamed to say that I started crying like a baby.

I want to know where that person has gone, and how I somehow lost contact with her.

I have an amazing supportive boyfriend, an apartment, a job, a car, two legs to walk, and my family and friends. I have NO reason to be as stressed, or anxious, or paranoid as I am.

About 2 weeks ago I started to go back to my old ways and tonight my friends is the night that I ate SO much junk that my stomach is throbbing and pushing against my ribcage causing some discomfort. This was how it used to be, and I thought that I'd moved on from this point.

I read over my last post and I get SO frustrated because I finally thought I'd beaten this disorder.

I want to go downstairs and join in on the party again, but I can't seem to get my legs to move. I want to take back the last hour and instead of reaching for the burger and chips get a glass of water. I knew when I started getting help that this fight would never truly be over, and yet it doesn't seem fair.

How is it that some people can not worry? How is it that everyone can overeat a night and realize they shouldn't have eaten so much and eat normal the next day?

Yet here I am. I overate this morning, felt sorry for myself, and decided to just eat a small dinner...which turned into a burger with cheese, potato chips, a couple cookies, and some fudge sticks. I know that this isn't really an upbeat post but I just want help...and I feel like this was always a place I could get it...by venting, and by writing how I felt.

I know that I'll be better again, and I know that I'll relapse again, but I just hope that I can get through this hard place and move towards that girl in my last posts. The one that I loved.

Headache!

I have one. And I'm hungry.

The past few days I've finally got myself watching Buffy, and I justify sitting on my butt watching an old show by doing flashcards for Jareth's Series 7 test. My guy is on his way to becoming a stock broker. I have NEVER seen so many definitions before. I'm thankful I'm not in his shoes. It's one thing to make about 500 flashcards. It's a whole different story to have to study them.

I'm getting prepped for my move. I finally decided it was time to move out of my parents house so I'm in the job searching mode. I figure I'll move sometime after I get back from my family trip to New York. We are going to have a small burial type thing for my Uncle and then have a little family time together visiting my dads old house, and Amish country.

I'm getting back to where I was at weight wise before I had my little binging weight gain relapse thing. I forgot how it felt to NOT be sick all the time. I like being healthy. Although the craving for a chocolate lava cake is a little overwhelming at times, but I manage.

I've been going to therapy to get back into a healthy mindset. I go to a group and private session. It's amazing how food addictions and eating disorders are so common. Mainly because there are so many different forms. My therapist says that I am going through these trials right now because I'm meant for more. She's sure I'm meant to help people through my mental and physical problems I've had the past two years.

It makes me happy to think that I could help someone with my experiences, but at the same time I'm anxious to know when I'll finally be better.

I figure just talking about my struggles helps people.

I should probably end this blog here. I think I should try to keep these short. Don't want to bore anyone!

I love you readers!
Giovanna

Life as I know it

So I thought that it might be a nice time to update everyone on my life recently considering I haven't done a personal post in a while.

Honest time?

I lost my willingness to write. I figure that this is the closest thing I have to a journal. The problem with my journals is that I get one, write in it for a day or sometimes I'm really good and write in it everyday for a week. Then a part of me sits back and thinks about how my future children could read it and then I get slightly embarrassed because half the time I'm writing about boy drama, and the other half of the time I'm writing about school or work. None of that sounds interesting, or it makes me sound like a hormonal weirdo. So then I skip a day of writing in my journal which then goes to a year when I buy a new one because I see one in the store that's just "so darn cute," and I feel like I may start writing again. (This has led to about 8 journals sitting in a drawer in my house, and I pick up different ones at different times to write an entry so they're a mess).

So, long story short, I feel like I've accomplished something by keeping this blog alive. It's like redemption for the money wasted on journals that may very well never be filled. Hence the non personal and stupid posts.

If you're still reading by this point I applaud you, and I give you a cyber cookie.

My life has been pretty interesting lately.

After 22 years and no boyfriend I finally met an amazing guy.

His name is Jareth. He makes me smile, and when we're loopy because we haven't slept I laugh so hard that my side hurts. He makes me feel like the struggles I've had in life have made me the person that he loves, and the same goes for him.

I'm not going to go into to much detail because how many of you have posted pictures on facebook and then had to delete all of them when you broke up? I'm not saying we're going to break up by the way...I'm just saying that it's to soon to tell and you break up with everyone but your husband...I guess even then you may have broken up with him at one point to.

And tangent complete.

Just know that he makes me happy, and I only hope for good things from this relationship.

I realized some things from dating though that I don't think people realize until they have a significant other so I'll spell it out for any who may be wondering.

1. Put yourself on the line. Wear your heart on your sleeve, and eventually there will be someone who will gladly reach out and take it to keep it safe.

2. Don't be scared or intimidated by the person you're pursuing or being pursued by. They're human, and they have flaws just like you. Heck, those flaws may bring you closer because you can relate.

3. Having a significant other is cool because if you feel down all you have to do is think about the person that loves you. Family can love you but they have to. To have someone willingly love you for you...well, it's kind of amazing.

4. Don't talk about the other negatively. It does no good, but cause a disagreement. (That one was one that I broke. Not the happiest night. Just don't gossip unless it's to say how amazing the person you're dating is.)

5. Communication is key. Not communication with others (as stated above), but with each other. If you don't acknowledge a problem it won't get fixed. Then it festers, and you blow up over stupid things.

6. Always share how you feel about them. Tell them you love them.

7. If you DO get in an argument then no matter what end it on a good note. Tell them you love them.

8. When you're dating a gentleman and he pays and you've gotten to the stage that you can tell him you love him...tell him you love him.

It's only love if you share it! Tell the one you love how you feel, and I'm not just talking about your partner. Make sure to tell each loved one how you feel about them.

I love you dear readers!

Time has flown by

I'm not sure where I left off because I don't have much time on the internet to go back and read my post.

So this will be short.

My traveling companion unfortunately did not mesh well with me and we parted ways, which led to us having to go home a week early due to our parents being worried.

I love Germany.

I love Vienna.

My feet are sore from walking literally all day.

I met the coolest people in my hostel...no really. One was from Korea, and one had just finished teaching English in Korea. We talked for a while last night about Korean, and I got a little more support to encouragement to keep going.

Cute boy at reception in my hostel. Why yes we did talk for quite a while yesterday. We'll have to see if we continue our convo tonight.

Saw a huge karaoke party in the park yesterday. Amazing singers, and there was easily 300 people singing along with the brave souls who got up in front of them.

Took a walk in a ginormous park in Berlin that used to be for hunts, but after...I think the Berlin wall came down it was changed into the "tiergarten."

There are amazing buildings, sculptures, fountains, you name it they have it in Berlin.

So that's Berlin.
Let's go backwards shall we? Before that was Vienna.

Vienna was pretty awesome. I spent the whole time walking around. Looking at the parks, and museums, and there was this really small festival going on in front of a museum so I sat and listened to music for a bit.

Before Vienna was Salzburg. I met some girls and went on the Sound of Music tour with them. We dressed up and got to sing along with the soundtrack on the bus. Had to be the highlight of my time in Vienna...or Wein as the Europeans call it. I also met an Australian named Luke who was hilarious. He was only trying to do laundry and people kept butting him in line which isn't bad if there is more than 1 washer and dryer, but it led to a very angry Australian, who drank a beer or two while waiting for the washer, and then we sat and talked til about 1 in the morning. It's amazing the people you meet when you stay in a hostel.

Before Salzburg was Munich. Woah, what a place. We went to Dachau and you couldn't talk easily. For me I wanted to be respectful so my mood was down, which made it difficult to be happy that day. The things that happened there and the good people that came out of the woodwork to help others during those hard times is so awe inspiring. It's sad that sometimes we have to have a time of great sadness and trauma for people to tap into their inner hero, but it's nice to know it's out there, and to know that there is always hope in those times of darkness.

So I'm pretty sure that's what we did in those places, but to be honest...things have been blending together and I have a hard time remembering what exactly we do where. I'd write on here more if I had more free internet, but unfortunately the cheapest I've found so far is .50 for a half hour hence me writing this now.

I'll be home in 2 days though! Well...maybe for you guys it's 3. Eh. I'll be home. That's all that matters. :)

Munich so far

On Sunday it was Jamila's birthday and for it she wanted to go to church. I hadn't brought nice clothes so I bought a skirt and wore my best. The members there were more than fabulous. The past 2 days we've been spending time with them.

Sunday we gathered for dinner at the church after going to the hostel and resting for a bit. Today we planned on Neushwanstein Castle. We got on a train and after a 2 hour ride we got on a bus, and then hiked up to the castle for a mile or so.

Once up there we decided our money would be better spent on something other than a not completed castle, so we took pictures in front of it, and went on the grounds a little, but ultimately headed to the bridge overlooking a river of waterfalls. It was so crowded and the boards were moving uncontrollably under the weight of the hundred or so people on the tiny bridge.

After getting one to many elbows shoved in my back we headed down to the waterfalls. It was a little difficult of a hike down the neverending steps, but once we got there it was well worth the energy spent. We took a couple of pictures and headed to this embankment where people had placed rocks up as a placer. Every person that had gone through must have left one so Jamila and I followed suit, and built our own. Of course we took the mandatory pictures of our masterpieces.

We then continued along the river and came to this metal bridge setup where it just looked like a couple metal slabs were nailed together and stuck haphazardly over the rushing water.

Most don't know this but I actually have a...slight fear of bridges. Especially ones that look like they'd been built by a toddler. So Jamila headed down the bridge no problem and I chose to inch along like a dummy. But you can't blame a girl for being cautious.

After that we made our way back to Munich and headed to FHE at the church. The lesson was of course cool, and they brought out a cake for Jamila since it was her birthday yesterday, and all of them sang happy birthday to her.

So after the long hours of talking and what not we decided it was time to head back to our hostel. The day went amazing. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better!

Munich was a great place and I'm so looking forward to Dachau, and then we get to do laundry! Clean clothes make me SO happy. You can never have enough of them!

Short update

We moved on from Italy after we hit Venice, and Verona.

Venice was gorgeous. The buildings were stunning, and all the bridges made it feel like you were in this other world. Things aren't built like that anymore.

Verona was pretty but after a couple hours we were just sitting in a park counting down the hours until we got on our 1 am train. It was a LONG wait, but we met some really funny boys from Napoli who kept us entertained by teaching us a little Italian and having us promise to add them on Facebook.

The train to Munich was horrible. Since it was an overnight train we had to get reservations in a compartment with other people. Ours was full of 6 people. Jamila, myself, and 4 other guys who had their shoes off, and smelled terrible. Jamila and I tried to sleep but found it impossible with the ticket taker and police coming in every half hour to check our passports and tickets.

After six hours we got off and spent the day looking in shop windows, and stocking back up on the essentials like shampoo, and toothpaste. We also bought a bit of chocolate because it was cheaper and better than the chocolate you get in America. I planned to bring it back as souvenirs for friends and family and instead ate a ton of it.

BIG stomach ache. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning. Well, I'm off to bed. I slept only 3 hours last night and have been awake for the rest of the past 2 days.

Hope everyone is enjoying life wherever that may be, and I'll keep you updated on the happenings of Germany.

Reflection

I hate insomnia. It's been happening almost every night in Europe. I wish I could say it's not my fault but why deny it?

I didn't budget well enough, and I didn't save enough. I was talking to 2 girls at the hostel who took on a slightly similar undertaking. The budget was nearly double mine and they were traveling the same amount of time as Jamila and I.

We didn't take into account hidden fees, and we didn't take into account tours and food as much as we should.

My parents said not to buy souvenirs, but they must be kidding me. How can you go to Europe and not bring things back?

You get hounded by so many people who speak English that you begin to be wary of anyone who starts speaking to you, and the world is so full of creeps that it's near impossible to have a conversation with anyone who may be a local.

It's even worse since there are only 2 of us, neither of us understanding what most people say. You'd think we'd stick together and grow a stronger bond but instead we're tiring on one another.

This trip just isn't what I thought. I thought I would camp, hike, go into town and sight see for a few days. I thought we'd run into people willing to accept us, and show us a part of their culture. I thought I'd see where my dad's family was from.

I thought a lot, but the only thing I hoped was I wouldn't be disappointed, and that we'd make it through in one piece.

I don't want to complain. Most people never get the chance to do what I'm doing, and yet part of me feels like I was never going to be ready or prepared. I'd always work hard and I'd always save only to see my bank account shrivel to oblivion. In fact if it wasn't for my dad helping me out financially I'd be charging everything to my credit card and hope I could pay it off when I returned.

It's so difficult seeing my hard work at minimum wage for hours and hours on end almost seeming like a waste. I'll return with no money to my name, and a large debt I have to pay back. With each euro I spend my heart drops.

I guess it's the trauma of growing up. You realize that things you want to do demand for you to work as hard as possible, and then fight for them in the midst of getting them.

You realize that your family is always gonna be there to help you out, and thanking them never seems like enough.

You realize that mistakes may not always be able to be fixed.

Some mistakes can only be fixed by spending more money.

Traveling in a group of 2 is unwise. A group of 3 provides for a crabby person to reflect while the others are able to enjoy themselves.

No matter how many times you look at your bank account and try to budget sometimes the number will only go down.

I could go on and on, but the one thing that struck me was that in my insomniatic state I resorted to blog stalking people that I once viewed as enemies or people I'd had problems with sometime in my past. I can only say, that as awful as it may sound, I wanted their life to be unhappy. As miserable as I am about my finances. I wanted them to have issues, and I wanted them to go ranting about how this bad thing happened, or how this thing went wrong. Instead I found an insightful look into their mind.

Things suddenly made sense. It wasn't that we hated each other, it wasn't that they offended me. It was because there was a human being with feelings, emotions, problems, you name it and human being have it.

They had issues with me, and they've moved on, and found a way to be happy in life. So why can't I?

Why, when I have SO much going for me, and when I'm in Europe, a place where so many dream of visiting, am I sad? Money? So I spend more than I thought. I'll use my credit card, I'll make it through and I'll have the memories. Tiffs with Jamila? We're human. We don't need to always get along. So what is it?

Is there an underlying feeling of worthlessness?

Jamila said it herself. I don't want to disappoint anyone. This whole trip I've felt like a disappointment. My family says not to get souvenirs. I do. My Eurail problems could have been easily avoided if I had contacted the company. I failed, and in doing so have caused so many problems for both Jamila and I. I failed. I am the "stupid American" that the locals feed on. I've wanted to adapt to the culture so badly that I willingly walk into situations where they demand more money. The stupid street vendors see me coming from a mile away. Jamila is the only reason I haven't been further scammed.

Each second here I feel like I've failed someone. I've failed my parents, or Jamila, and definitely myself.

I get online hoping my parents have responded to an email, I check the news for things happening in the states, I cling to facebook hoping that someone will update because I don't want to feel alone. Jamila goes to bed and I lay beneath the sheets unable to sleep.

Ultimately it rolls down to failing and succeeding. Who decides what failing is? Is it me, or is it society? Is it both?

Those girls that I held petty grudges against haven't failed. They've lived, and my stupid perception of failure has made it so every day for the past couple months has been drawn down to failing or succeeding.

Don't view your life as such. It's a lonely and miserable road because no one else cares if you've spent more money than you planned, and no one is judging you on it but yourself. I need to relax. I need to go with the flow, and yet it seems impossible when your bank account went from thousands to a couple hundred.