Ding dong the witch is dead!

So I had this really cool thing planned out for today but when I went to go to the store to get some ding dongs I couldn't find any. Not only that but I forgot what ding dongs looked like because I haven't had one in more than 10 years...I think.

So that plan got shot down like a duck during the hunting season.

Instead of that I decided I would just update those that read this on my emotional battles with my body.

Most people have the New Years resolution to lose those pounds packed on during the holiday season but don't get bent out of shape about the food they ate and the way their clothes fit.

Over the holiday season I gained a whopping 20 pounds which was almost half the weight I'd lost over 2 years. I have 2 major fears; gaining back the weight that I'd worked so hard to lose, and losing a loved one.

With all the fears I've gotten over these two still plague my mind almost every day, and from gaining those 20 pounds it launched me back into my depression. I'm doing okay now and I'm down 5 pounds from the beginning of this year, but I still felt and sometimes feel like a failure due to those pounds that have hung over my head.

I decided around mid September that for my sisters birthday I would do a photo shoot that my friend was working on. Through it I've gone to my sisters house and hung out with her, which is something new. When she and I lived together we didn't get along much unless she was dressing me up. Most of the time I was the brat of a younger sister that I'm trying desperately not to be anymore, and the time I've spent with her has really been cool. I love that we are both adults now and that we have the opportunity to live close together and spend time together.

It's a blessing, and through my brother hurting his knee and me wanting to do everything I can to make him feel better I've gotten closer to him as well.

This post had no real direction but I wanted to write down my overwhelming gratitude over the little things I've gotten to take part in over the past few days. It shocks me sometimes that I can be SO sad over something stupid like body image when I am given so many good memories with my family and friends.

I guess what I'm saying is that my positive thing for the day is that I have amazing friends and an even more amazing family.

Never have I ever.

Have you ever chugged a gallon of milk in an hour?
...yeah neither have I. But I hear it makes you sick to the point of making a milk of your own.

Just thought I'd ask.

and no this is not me stalling me having to tell you that I didn't do anything new today...okay it is, but I worked a 15 hour work shift from 7 to 10. The fact that I'm writing this and trying to make complete sentences says something.

My positive thing for the day is that I have working legs.
Night people!

Tortilla chips and Primer!

So I talked about peeling the wallpaper off my kitchen walls, and today it continued with me painting the walls with primer. It was tedious. That's all I'm gonna say. It's new though.

ALSO

My brother did something to his knee and hasn't been able to walk so I wanted to be a caring sister so I was taking care of him, and I decided I'd make him some nachos BUT I didn't just slap some chips and chili on a plate. I don't do that. I have a need to make everything from scratch as much as possible.

I had some tortillas so I cut them into triangles and put them on a cookie sheet and made up some tortilla chips...unfortunately they were flour tortillas and they tasted more like wheat thins then chips, but it was interesting in the nachos. Yummy! :)

So let's count how many new things I did for the day.

1. Primer on the nachos
2. My brother on the wall
3. Taking care of my tortilla chips.

...wait...somethings wrong.

Positive thing for the day: I have the most amazing family.

Screaming customers! Oh my!

So I've had my fair share of meanie pants between my last three jobs, and each time I get a little flustered. Oh ho ho not today though! This man came in to pick up his dry cleaning and when I told him how much it would cost he FLIPPED! Perfectly reasonable to want a cheap price for dry cleaning on 4 silk ties, a pair of dress pants and a dress shirt.

So once we got past that issue he gave me one of those gift cards/credit card things which I've decided I don't like. It didn't go through on our machine which is just dandy so he once again flipped and started yelling at me. Wanna know what I did everyone? I acted like a calm collected human being with a level voice and an attitude of trying to help the man. I mean, he was still a jerk and still yelled at me and claimed I blamed him for the things that happened to him, but I was a good employee!

I would like to officially announce that this is my first time acting like a good employee to customers that yell at me and treat me like I conspired against them.

Moral of the story: Treat customers nice at all times, even when they yell because it only flusters them more and they overreact and you laugh a lot more after they leave.

Oh and he'll be real happy when he finally does get his clothes that he refused to pay for because there were stains that wouldn't come out. Karma people, karma.

Positive thing for the day: After braces I now have a smile to...smile about.

Yummy!

So I was craving...nah, craving isn't the word for it. I was ACHING for a little fresh baked goodness today. I've always made bread with a bread maker, and so I ditched the magical device and put on my apron to make some cinnamon raisin swirl bread. I needed google to do it properly so I searched and searched. Okay so it took me 2 seconds. I found a recipe none the less and made it up. It was kinda nice to get out my aggression as I kneaded the ball of dough. It made 2 loaves and I have to say that it turned out beautiful and super scrumptious. And when I recount this story from now on I'm going to leave out the fact that I wanted to try some bread dough for once.

Now I know why it's not commonly snacked on. My stomach started hurting and was sour so I googled and learned that the yeast creates acid, and alcohol and as it expands it can cause you to get alcohol poisoning if you eat to much.

Learn from my mistakes people.

Do not eat bread dough.

Starting the year off right.

I have lived in this house for almost 10 years. For half my life I have looked at the same walls, furniture, carpets, and practically everything in my house day in and day out. To say it's gotten tiring, and somewhat bland would be an understatement. I've planned on remodeling my bedroom for quite some time but unfortunately need to save my money for my fabulous backpacking trip. So I was doing it in installments but the remodeling came to halt when I didn't have time to do it.

Today I don't have to work until 5 so in light of my need for change my mom and I filled a bucket full of hot soapy water, grabbed some scrapers, and began to strip the wallpaper off the kitchen walls. I was relieved when I found out that doing so helps get out your aggressions. I highly recommend it to those that want a bit of relief from their stressful lives.

The things I learned from this are that you must be patient, and my mom and I have a different taste in music. I found myself being embarrassed as my speakers blasted out the familiar songs on my ipod.

Oh well, I love spending time with my family so it was worth it!

My positive thing for the day is that although I may get down on myself sometimes I find a way to pick myself up as soon as possible and get back on the horse.

Love you guys!
Happy January 2nd!

The New Year

I spent the last month in a blurred haze of work, school, and sleep. I quit my job that caused stress and where I was being harassed and although it eased my stress it didn't change the fact that I had two other jobs, and was trying to manage getting through an eating disorder and depression.

I wouldn't want to blame my terrible job for the relapse into an eating disorder, but I think it played a big part. So many times over the past couple of months I have debated sharing my experience with friends about anorexia, bulimia, gym addiction, and other...less than sane ways of losing weight.

With the year coming to a close, and a new one in sight I decided that I needed to take time to work on myself, and to get up the guts to share my experiences in the hopes of not only helping myself but others.

It was through media, and the pressures of being a girl that was surrounded by friends getting married and me not ever being in a relationship that drove me from my healthy living, and healthy ways of losing weight into a dangerous road of starvation, overexertion, and depression.

With every pound that I lost I would get compliments on my appearance. This constant support and the fact that I hit a plateau in my weight loss made me feel like I needed to find a new way to lose the weight that just didn't want to come off.

I began to work out a minimum of 2 hours a day, and would eat under 500 calories. I would water log myself everyday, and lay in bed with an empty stomach and an even emptier soul. I could see my personality slipping away, and I wanted to change, but not until I reached my goal and looked like the girls you see in the magazine.

It was a thrown out hip, and an emotional breakdown that led to me lying on my bathroom floor after trying to throw up that made me realize I needed to change while there was still time for me.

This wasn't a talk I was looking forward to having with my family, but I knew it needed to happen. I remember her in her bathroom getting ready for bed. I sad on her cold porcelain tub and closed the door behind me so my dad wouldn't see me as I bawled. I told her everything, and we decided it was time to get help.

Therapy, anti-depressants, and exercise have led me to a point where I can eat food again and not regret every calorie that goes into my mouth. Unfortunately weight gain was inevitable, and because of it I've become embarrassed the person I've once again become. It was only 5 or 10 pounds but a whopping 20 and I sit in bed staring at the clock this very second wondering what this new year will bring. I haven't been this weight for almost 2 years, and a part of me feels SO desperate for a new life, and another part is thankful for the fact that although I may be heftier I am definitely healthier as well.

This new year is going to bring me a lot of experiences. It's undeniable due to the fact that I'm going to be traveling through Europe and the fact that I plan to move to Texas to experience life independently. One thing life and these trials that I still go through EVERY day has taught is that you can't wait for your life to change. You have to take the initiative and do it yourself.

I once told someone that I didn't plan on growing up until I was 20 and the word "teen" wasn't in my age anymore. I see so many things both little and big that have changed for me, and my view on things has changed as well.

I started this blog to share my life and my adventures and, although I don't want to admit it, I think it truly saved my life. I transferred my obsessions to finding something new to do everyday instead of noticing if I ate more than I had normally allowed myself. I didn't do it for those purposes but it's amazing what blessings come out of random things.

I plan on starting my goal again for the new year. I plan on doing something new everyday and writing about it because it DID help me, and I hope it helped others, just as I hope sharing a piece of my disorders may help someone. It's only one goal among many that I hope to complete this year. I took the liberty to write them down, and I hope that you dear reader can help me, encourage me, and be there with me each step of the way.

My Goals for the year 2011...
1. Backpack through Europe and enjoy every part of it. (Even if we end up in horrible conditions)
2. Run a 10k. (If anyone would like to do this with me I would love the help and company)
3. Go on a road trip somewhere either alone or with someone.
4. Find something new that I love about myself each day.
5. Ride a motorcycle.
6. Go snowboarding.
7. Go snowmobiling.
8. Help a stranger.
9. To find the strength inside myself to go back to living a healthy life. (With or without weight loss)
10. Make sure I take advantage of the time I have and tell my loved ones how I feel about them.
11. Walk with my head held high, smile on my face, and shoulders back.
12. Save a portion of my paychecks for retirement.
13. To get closer to my family.
14. To not expect perfection out of myself.

These are my New Years goals, and I hope that everyone takes this time to reflect on your own life. To learn about yourself and what you want is the greatest things anyone can do for themselves.

I love all of you, and I hope that this new year brings about new happiness.