I have this awesome story!

So it's a few days after Saturday, and part of me felt bad for not posting, but another part of me doesn't really care seeing as I have a pretty good reason why I didn't update the blog.

First thing first: The goal for last week was to follow a healthy meal plan that I created each day.  This was actually difficult.  Some days I wasn't in the mood for the things I preplanned from the day before...It wasn't the best that I probably couldn't have done, so I decided to change it a little bit.  I came up with a few choices for each meal that I could have and then would pick what I'd like to have as I went along the day.  I found that this was a whole lot easier for me. 

That is until this past Thursday when I went on vacation (although I tried very hard to get healthy food when we went out to eat), but before I continue on with my story I need to make a goal for next week.

Jareth brought me a flyer for a 5k and half marathon coming up, and I may not do it as it costs to much money for me, but if I do it I want to prep for it.  So this week I will try to run atleast 3-4 miles every day. 

Continuing on with the story!

So it's my birthday on June 29th and Jareth and I will be together for a year on July 7th.  So we decided we would take a weekend trip down to St George to celebrate.

Little did I know that Jareth was secretly planning a different trip.

We set off Wednesday night around 10 and started driving to St. George.  I realized something was up when we entered Arizona.  When I grabbed the directions from Jareth I noticed that our ending location was Anaheim, California.  It was then that Jareth told me that he was taking me to Disneyland. 

He had surprised me with a 3 day park hopper pass, which by the way, we took full advantage of and completed most of the rides in both parks. 

The first day in Disneyland was my birthday and as we were waiting in the Indiana Jones ride I got a text from my sister Anji.  She wished me a happy birthday and asked if I was engaged yet.   I laughed and showed the text to Jareth who got a kick out of it, and replyed with "Why would anyone want to propose in Disneyland?  Let me text her back." So he sent a text back saying that that must have been what he was doing when he kept saying "I lost it." (Then he sent a text to Anji telling her that she would ruin it.)

Let me preface this with the fact that Jareth said multiple times over the past couple weeks that he would propose but that it wasn't going to be for a couple months. 

We ended up in Fantasyland and stopped at the Sleeping Beauty castle.  If you haven't been, there are books positioned throughout the castle that have the story on it.  At the end we reached the final book, and Jareth said that he wanted to take a picture.  He ventured back upstairs to find someone to take the picture for us, and found 2 little kids that followed him timidly.  He told them to just push the button and I prepped to take a picture only to find that Jareth was on one knee.  He took my hand and pulled out a ring. 

He started to ask me if I would be his princess forever, which only made me think more so that he was being cute and asking me to be his pretend princess for the night. 

I ruined it, of course, and told him that he was holding the wrong hand.

He replyed that I was ruining the moment, and asked me again if I'd like to be his princess, and this time I said yes, and he put the ring on my finger.

It was only afterwards when I asked if we were really engaged and he said yes that I realized he had really just proposed to me.

I am very skeptical over things if you couldn't tell. 

SO it's official that I'm engaged!

I knew I picked a good one! :)

I love you Jareth, and can't wait to spend my life with you!

Goal Club

I'm at work right now, and it is SLOW! Thankfully I have the internet to keep me entertained.  It's been an interesting couple of months.  I know the last post was beyond pathetic, and I'll be honest; things haven't really changed much. 

I'm still having a lot of issues being able to control what I eat, and a boat load of problems with seeing myself as beautiful.  Both of which lead me to feel even more sorry for myself. 

The bright side is that I've started going back to the gym.  It's difficult sometimes.  When I went to the gym before I injured my hip I was able to run 8 miles, and push myself for 2 hours everyday, and I know it isn't like riding a bike where you can just jump back into it.  Even though I know that I get discouraged when I can't do the things I used to.

At the beginning of me going back to the gym I couldn't even run a mile without getting winded, and to think of staying at the gym for even an hour was overwhelming.  Now it's better.  I've got back to running 2 miles easily, and I'm at the gym 3 times a week for an hour.  It's weird to see how fast my body is adjusting to working out.  I thought it would be harder when I first started up again.

I can't believe how amazing our bodies are.  It's funny that I can see all the amazing things about bodies in general, and yet I have a hard time loving mine.

I have strong legs that allow me to run, I have functioning lungs, and the ability to see.  I have a voice that I can sing with, hands that I can play instruments with, and I have the ears to hear all the nice things that my friends and family say about me.  I have arms to hug the ones I love, and the list goes on and on.

In my dreamworld, no one cares about the appearance of other people.  Sadly I tend to see it all over the internet, I hear about it in the news about kids bullying others, and unfortunately I see it in myself.  My view of others is really a view of myself and my insecurities.  I feel like if I could wipe myself from judgement that I would in turn wipe myself of my self-judgement. 

I often ask why I do this to myself, and part of me feels like it's because somewhere in my future there is going to be some master plan where I help tons of people through my experiences.  That in itself is overwhelming, but I feel like it's true.  Deep in my heart I feel like if I can get my story out it will help others, and myself. 

I just don't know how to do it. 

I especially don't know how to make myself happy so how could I help others?  I mean, I'm sitting here at a job that I loathe, and find that I cope with it by binging, and then feeling like my day is ruined, and then hoping that I can just make it to the gym to work off the mistake I made.

I don't know if others feel this way, but I wonder if I feel this way because I don't take the time to do the things I love anymore.  

I want to challenge myself and, whoever is still reading, I'd like to challenge you.

Each week I want to come up with something I want to work on.  Feel free to do this with me, and in the comments I would love to hear about how you're doing.  It could be like a book club but where we choose something we want to work on, and then use the comment section as a place to update each week.

So if you are interested in this, and you feel like it might be a good way to get motivated, leave a comment telling me what you want to work on this week.

Since this is a Wednesday I'm going to make it start today and go until next Saturday.

The goal for me is that I want to make a healthy food plan for each day and stick to it. 

How about you?

Relapsing

I haven't been on this site for awhile. I actually have been having a pretty tough time lately.

Let me paint a picture for you.

I'm upstairs on my laptop lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. Downstairs there's a party. I hear people laughing, and I hear music. But what I hear most of all is the pounding, negative voice in my head.

I've been exhibiting old behaviors from the days when I binged, and ate my feelings, from the days that I weighed over 200 pounds, and couldn't figure out how to lose it.

I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and remembered that I used to have this blog to write out my feelings, so I got on and started reading over my last couple posts. I'm ashamed to say that I started crying like a baby.

I want to know where that person has gone, and how I somehow lost contact with her.

I have an amazing supportive boyfriend, an apartment, a job, a car, two legs to walk, and my family and friends. I have NO reason to be as stressed, or anxious, or paranoid as I am.

About 2 weeks ago I started to go back to my old ways and tonight my friends is the night that I ate SO much junk that my stomach is throbbing and pushing against my ribcage causing some discomfort. This was how it used to be, and I thought that I'd moved on from this point.

I read over my last post and I get SO frustrated because I finally thought I'd beaten this disorder.

I want to go downstairs and join in on the party again, but I can't seem to get my legs to move. I want to take back the last hour and instead of reaching for the burger and chips get a glass of water. I knew when I started getting help that this fight would never truly be over, and yet it doesn't seem fair.

How is it that some people can not worry? How is it that everyone can overeat a night and realize they shouldn't have eaten so much and eat normal the next day?

Yet here I am. I overate this morning, felt sorry for myself, and decided to just eat a small dinner...which turned into a burger with cheese, potato chips, a couple cookies, and some fudge sticks. I know that this isn't really an upbeat post but I just want help...and I feel like this was always a place I could get it...by venting, and by writing how I felt.

I know that I'll be better again, and I know that I'll relapse again, but I just hope that I can get through this hard place and move towards that girl in my last posts. The one that I loved.

Headache!

I have one. And I'm hungry.

The past few days I've finally got myself watching Buffy, and I justify sitting on my butt watching an old show by doing flashcards for Jareth's Series 7 test. My guy is on his way to becoming a stock broker. I have NEVER seen so many definitions before. I'm thankful I'm not in his shoes. It's one thing to make about 500 flashcards. It's a whole different story to have to study them.

I'm getting prepped for my move. I finally decided it was time to move out of my parents house so I'm in the job searching mode. I figure I'll move sometime after I get back from my family trip to New York. We are going to have a small burial type thing for my Uncle and then have a little family time together visiting my dads old house, and Amish country.

I'm getting back to where I was at weight wise before I had my little binging weight gain relapse thing. I forgot how it felt to NOT be sick all the time. I like being healthy. Although the craving for a chocolate lava cake is a little overwhelming at times, but I manage.

I've been going to therapy to get back into a healthy mindset. I go to a group and private session. It's amazing how food addictions and eating disorders are so common. Mainly because there are so many different forms. My therapist says that I am going through these trials right now because I'm meant for more. She's sure I'm meant to help people through my mental and physical problems I've had the past two years.

It makes me happy to think that I could help someone with my experiences, but at the same time I'm anxious to know when I'll finally be better.

I figure just talking about my struggles helps people.

I should probably end this blog here. I think I should try to keep these short. Don't want to bore anyone!

I love you readers!
Giovanna

Life as I know it

So I thought that it might be a nice time to update everyone on my life recently considering I haven't done a personal post in a while.

Honest time?

I lost my willingness to write. I figure that this is the closest thing I have to a journal. The problem with my journals is that I get one, write in it for a day or sometimes I'm really good and write in it everyday for a week. Then a part of me sits back and thinks about how my future children could read it and then I get slightly embarrassed because half the time I'm writing about boy drama, and the other half of the time I'm writing about school or work. None of that sounds interesting, or it makes me sound like a hormonal weirdo. So then I skip a day of writing in my journal which then goes to a year when I buy a new one because I see one in the store that's just "so darn cute," and I feel like I may start writing again. (This has led to about 8 journals sitting in a drawer in my house, and I pick up different ones at different times to write an entry so they're a mess).

So, long story short, I feel like I've accomplished something by keeping this blog alive. It's like redemption for the money wasted on journals that may very well never be filled. Hence the non personal and stupid posts.

If you're still reading by this point I applaud you, and I give you a cyber cookie.

My life has been pretty interesting lately.

After 22 years and no boyfriend I finally met an amazing guy.

His name is Jareth. He makes me smile, and when we're loopy because we haven't slept I laugh so hard that my side hurts. He makes me feel like the struggles I've had in life have made me the person that he loves, and the same goes for him.

I'm not going to go into to much detail because how many of you have posted pictures on facebook and then had to delete all of them when you broke up? I'm not saying we're going to break up by the way...I'm just saying that it's to soon to tell and you break up with everyone but your husband...I guess even then you may have broken up with him at one point to.

And tangent complete.

Just know that he makes me happy, and I only hope for good things from this relationship.

I realized some things from dating though that I don't think people realize until they have a significant other so I'll spell it out for any who may be wondering.

1. Put yourself on the line. Wear your heart on your sleeve, and eventually there will be someone who will gladly reach out and take it to keep it safe.

2. Don't be scared or intimidated by the person you're pursuing or being pursued by. They're human, and they have flaws just like you. Heck, those flaws may bring you closer because you can relate.

3. Having a significant other is cool because if you feel down all you have to do is think about the person that loves you. Family can love you but they have to. To have someone willingly love you for you...well, it's kind of amazing.

4. Don't talk about the other negatively. It does no good, but cause a disagreement. (That one was one that I broke. Not the happiest night. Just don't gossip unless it's to say how amazing the person you're dating is.)

5. Communication is key. Not communication with others (as stated above), but with each other. If you don't acknowledge a problem it won't get fixed. Then it festers, and you blow up over stupid things.

6. Always share how you feel about them. Tell them you love them.

7. If you DO get in an argument then no matter what end it on a good note. Tell them you love them.

8. When you're dating a gentleman and he pays and you've gotten to the stage that you can tell him you love him...tell him you love him.

It's only love if you share it! Tell the one you love how you feel, and I'm not just talking about your partner. Make sure to tell each loved one how you feel about them.

I love you dear readers!

Time has flown by

I'm not sure where I left off because I don't have much time on the internet to go back and read my post.

So this will be short.

My traveling companion unfortunately did not mesh well with me and we parted ways, which led to us having to go home a week early due to our parents being worried.

I love Germany.

I love Vienna.

My feet are sore from walking literally all day.

I met the coolest people in my hostel...no really. One was from Korea, and one had just finished teaching English in Korea. We talked for a while last night about Korean, and I got a little more support to encouragement to keep going.

Cute boy at reception in my hostel. Why yes we did talk for quite a while yesterday. We'll have to see if we continue our convo tonight.

Saw a huge karaoke party in the park yesterday. Amazing singers, and there was easily 300 people singing along with the brave souls who got up in front of them.

Took a walk in a ginormous park in Berlin that used to be for hunts, but after...I think the Berlin wall came down it was changed into the "tiergarten."

There are amazing buildings, sculptures, fountains, you name it they have it in Berlin.

So that's Berlin.
Let's go backwards shall we? Before that was Vienna.

Vienna was pretty awesome. I spent the whole time walking around. Looking at the parks, and museums, and there was this really small festival going on in front of a museum so I sat and listened to music for a bit.

Before Vienna was Salzburg. I met some girls and went on the Sound of Music tour with them. We dressed up and got to sing along with the soundtrack on the bus. Had to be the highlight of my time in Vienna...or Wein as the Europeans call it. I also met an Australian named Luke who was hilarious. He was only trying to do laundry and people kept butting him in line which isn't bad if there is more than 1 washer and dryer, but it led to a very angry Australian, who drank a beer or two while waiting for the washer, and then we sat and talked til about 1 in the morning. It's amazing the people you meet when you stay in a hostel.

Before Salzburg was Munich. Woah, what a place. We went to Dachau and you couldn't talk easily. For me I wanted to be respectful so my mood was down, which made it difficult to be happy that day. The things that happened there and the good people that came out of the woodwork to help others during those hard times is so awe inspiring. It's sad that sometimes we have to have a time of great sadness and trauma for people to tap into their inner hero, but it's nice to know it's out there, and to know that there is always hope in those times of darkness.

So I'm pretty sure that's what we did in those places, but to be honest...things have been blending together and I have a hard time remembering what exactly we do where. I'd write on here more if I had more free internet, but unfortunately the cheapest I've found so far is .50 for a half hour hence me writing this now.

I'll be home in 2 days though! Well...maybe for you guys it's 3. Eh. I'll be home. That's all that matters. :)

Munich so far

On Sunday it was Jamila's birthday and for it she wanted to go to church. I hadn't brought nice clothes so I bought a skirt and wore my best. The members there were more than fabulous. The past 2 days we've been spending time with them.

Sunday we gathered for dinner at the church after going to the hostel and resting for a bit. Today we planned on Neushwanstein Castle. We got on a train and after a 2 hour ride we got on a bus, and then hiked up to the castle for a mile or so.

Once up there we decided our money would be better spent on something other than a not completed castle, so we took pictures in front of it, and went on the grounds a little, but ultimately headed to the bridge overlooking a river of waterfalls. It was so crowded and the boards were moving uncontrollably under the weight of the hundred or so people on the tiny bridge.

After getting one to many elbows shoved in my back we headed down to the waterfalls. It was a little difficult of a hike down the neverending steps, but once we got there it was well worth the energy spent. We took a couple of pictures and headed to this embankment where people had placed rocks up as a placer. Every person that had gone through must have left one so Jamila and I followed suit, and built our own. Of course we took the mandatory pictures of our masterpieces.

We then continued along the river and came to this metal bridge setup where it just looked like a couple metal slabs were nailed together and stuck haphazardly over the rushing water.

Most don't know this but I actually have a...slight fear of bridges. Especially ones that look like they'd been built by a toddler. So Jamila headed down the bridge no problem and I chose to inch along like a dummy. But you can't blame a girl for being cautious.

After that we made our way back to Munich and headed to FHE at the church. The lesson was of course cool, and they brought out a cake for Jamila since it was her birthday yesterday, and all of them sang happy birthday to her.

So after the long hours of talking and what not we decided it was time to head back to our hostel. The day went amazing. Hopefully tomorrow will be even better!

Munich was a great place and I'm so looking forward to Dachau, and then we get to do laundry! Clean clothes make me SO happy. You can never have enough of them!