Life as I know it.

I was talking to my mom the other night at as we discussed my future we decided it was time to look towards a life of service. Our interests turned toward the Peace Corps. She told me that even if I didn't pray anymore, it might be in my best interest to do so and ask God for the assistance to decide what direction I need to take for my future.

I did, and not only did I pray for guidance but I apologized for my past accusations toward him. If a trial came my way I would automatically look at it as a punishment for past transgressions. I then would get angry because I felt that I was being unjustly punished because I was only human and humans are bound to make mistakes. When a trial that seemed to hard for me to handle would come I would yell in frustration at God and demand he give me the strength to get through it. I would demand things that weren't in my right to demand. I didn't see trials as opportunities for growth and that was a giant flaw that needed to be fixed.

I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace once I was finished, and today during my downtime at work I began the application process for the Peace Corps. It's to soon to say if I'll be accepted but I hope that I am. Please send out your prayers for me as I look towards this new journey and opportunity in my life. The process will take a couple months to a year to complete. It will be full of ups and downs, and if I'm accepted I'll be gone for 27 months. I'm excited for what my future holds and I hope that I have the ability to help others the way that others have helped me.

Running

Have you ever felt like you just needed to get away? I do ALL the time. So last week that's just what I did. As I returned home I had a couple things to think over, and it came to a head today. It really was a day of tears.

As I hung out with a couple of friends some things unfolded and I had that overwhelming urge to think over my life. And another overwhelming urge to get away again.

So I did. It was probably the stupidest thing that I've done in my life. I was at a friends which was a couple miles away from my house. Usually that wouldn't be a problem, but I didn't take into account that it was snowing, I didn't have running shoes on, it was 3 in the morning, and that I had short sleeves on.

About half way home I tried to clench my fingers together. I'd heard if you can't touch them you have frostbite. So every couple minutes I clenched my fingers together. Every time I felt my fingertips touch I thanked God. I could no longer see out of my glasses due to the snow that was falling. With each step I prayed that I wasn't going to fall off the curb. At one point I felt my feet plunge into puddles of ice cold water, and I heard them squeak over the eerie silence. My socks were soaked by this point, and although I could still touch my fingertips together it was getting harder to do so.

Some may call me crazy, and let's face it, I call myself crazy everyday for the stupid things I do. I test death, that's for sure. But if I hadn't done what I did, I don't think I would have learned what I did in my last post.

It was this simple act of touching my fingertips together that kept me going. At times life may seem like it's this giant undertaking that we can't endure. We know the ending, and we may even know how to get there, but we don't realize the difficulties it takes to get to the end we want.

As I ran I felt like I just needed to push forward. I resorted to aiming for a stoplight that lay ahead as long as it meant I was closer to home.

Some may classify home as the building you live in. Some may classify home as their loved ones. For me, I classify it as returning to our eternal happiness with all of our loved ones that have lived before us, and those that live after us. I returned home and felt the cold, soggy feeling slip away, and it was replaced with a sense of security, and the warmth flooded my limbs.

It was the small feet of touching my fingertips and trying to reach the next stoplight that kept me pushing forward.

Life is that way. It's the little things we do, and the little goals we reach that catapult us to our final destination, and to our nice warm, secure home.

It's true my actions were stupid, and I will probably never run under those conditions again, but it was my stupidity and some amazing friends that got me to learn a valuable lesson.

Don't follow in my footsteps literally...and by that I mean, don't go running at 3 in the morning because cops do pull up beside you and ask for your name and address in order to find out if you're running away from someone or just stupid. No joke. The cop kept a very watchful eye on me as I ran. Bless his soul.

But feel free to take what I've written and run with it. Takes on a whole new meaning huh?

Rollercoasters

I haven't been able to sleep. I've hidden it from people the past couple of days. My mind has been on a constant roller coaster of emotions, and it shows no signs of slowing down or smoothing out. With each day it seems to be building up speed as new things are added to it.

While all this has been happening I've felt an odd pull towards things I once deemed malarkey. I find myself wishing I could turn back the clock to when I made the choice to distance myself from the church. I'm not saying I am willing to look past all the bad that has come of it, and I'm not saying that I believe the gospel is a form of evil but what I'm saying is that it's been such a long time since I've felt something. I don't know what you may call it, but I call it love.

I have a loving family. They show me how much they love me, but it hasn't hit me. I always question why I'd deserve it when I spent the first half of my life being the girl that tears others down. A bully. Why would parents and siblings love a person that made others feel less than their best?

It was tonight that I realized I have the most amazing people in my life and I don't think they even know how amazing they are. Their words of comfort brought me to tears, and I found myself questioning all the bad I'd thought of over the past few days.

I play the victim. I do. At times I choose to look at things negatively because that's easier to do than searching for the small glimmer of light within the sea of muddled thoughts and hurt feelings.

I'm not saying I'm now a perfect being, but I AM saying that I am one step closer to becoming a person I'm proud of. So many times I look in the mirror and automatically zoom in on the fact that my waistline isn't the smallest, or the fact that sometimes I don't feel like trying so I stay in my pj's and eat ice cream.

I choose to overlook the fact that I have a nice smile that I've worked hard to maintain, or the fact that I have strong legs that can carry me as I run miles through the hazardous weather outside. I overlook the fact that I have curves, and that I not only am beautiful on the outside, but on the inside

Why do we do that? Why do we as a human race look at the bad, and feel we are a burden unless we have hordes of people paying us compliments, and even then CHOOSE to negate those good feelings and still see the imperfections?

I said that I'd help those with their body image, but how am I to do that when I still see the 215 pound girl crying in the mirror, and wishing desperately that she could change? People still loved me at that weight, and just because I loved food a little to much, I was happier then. I didn't feel worthless. I felt like I could concur the world. And as I lost that weight I lost sight of myself.

Where is that child like naivety that makes life so enjoyable? That same way of thinking that is squashed when we see the damsel in movies as this beautiful woman who gets the guy in the end? The thought process that disappears as we look through magazines and define beautiful as a girl with the body of a small child, and the perfectly symmetrical face? Yes, those girls are beautiful in their own right, but we are ALL beautiful.

And I question why I live such a privileged life and feel terrible for those less fortunate, and sit in my room crying at night wishing I could change someones life for the better. I do this, and yet don't get up to help those that live next door, or those that I see walking along the street. I don't care enough about myself to focus my efforts of caring on me.

Selfishness is not accepting that you're amazing, and accepting compliments when they are given. The true form of selfishness is to choose to ignore. And even when we feel there is no ability to change, we pick ourselves up and just do it. That's what's great about humanity. We adapt. We grow, and we learn.

I had an epiphany tonight. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't taken the chance and just let myself show. For once I felt like I could say how I felt and my friends wouldn't abandon me. I'm not saying that I didn't have good friends before tonight. I'm saying that I knew something was going to happen. I felt a strong unexplainable need to share my life, and it was my choice to let others in. It was my choice to lean on others in a way I hadn't done before. These friends were so willing to open their hearts to listen to me vent. They were willing to console me as I cried, and because of it something beautiful happened.

We learned together.

So take what I write and run with it. Don't sit around waiting for the change to happen. You could be the change someone needs. Love one another. Let your loved ones know, and don't think that your trials and burdens are any less than others. We are all trying to get through this life and we need one another to do it. Allow others to lean on you, and they will return the favor.

I love you all. I don't say it enough. But I want to start.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

Creativity. Do some have it while others do not?

My friend was talking to me the other day about how she felt worthless. She felt like her past was getting in the way of her future, and as I talked she told me she thought I was hilarious, and wishes she could be as creative as I could be. It occurred to me that I have no real answer as to if I was blessed creativity or that there was something in our lives that was different enough that we grew up to think differently...I don't know how to say that and make it sound smart, so just deal with it people. I'm unfortunately not a genius. It wasn't something I have in my personality...grid...see! When I sound smart it comes out sounding like someone threw words together and called it a masterpiece.

Anyways. As I pondered over this conversation it occurred to me that creativity is within all of us. How many times when you are working with a group of people do you have an idea, but are afraid to share it because you're afraid others won't think it's good? I'll be the first to say that I lack the confidence to do that sometimes because I'm afraid I'll "fail".

As I've grown and gone to school I have been taught that there is a right and wrong answer. If it isn't right, then it HAS to be wrong. I would sit in class and think about how I'd gotten this problem or that problem wrong and although I may have gotten a couple of things right, I didn't focus on those. I focused on trying to figure out why I'd gotten some wrong.

Once I graduated and headed to college I transferred that thinking to what careers I could go into in order to make a living. I didn't care that acting, singing, and dancing were almost like oxygen to me. I felt depressed if I wasn't doing them. The only thoughts I entertained were which career could I be ok going into? What job could I get that I'd be able to get by on for the years before retirement? It didn't occur to me that I was an individual that needed to do what she loved and find a way to live doing it.

I was sitting at work searching videos on YouTube just trying to find something to pass my time, and I came across one that explained everything I'd been questioning, and I was impressed to write this and share the video so that others can hopefully be helped by it as well.

I pulled a lot from the video but another thing I wanted to stress was that talents are not dependent on what you've been blessed with. Talents are dependent on what you enjoy doing and how hard you work on being better in that area.

If there is a talent that someone possesses and you're jealous of it DON'T be! Stop wishing you were a certain way and practice it! Don't be scared to "fail" either. Failing isn't a word that should be in anyone's vocabulary. Instead replace it with the idea of it being a learning experience!

Sorry. I'm scatterbrained. Watch the video everyone! I command you! :) Please?

I really wanna be funny again

My last few posts have been so sad. I think I'm in one of those analyzing yourself cycles that are just so fun to get into.

I got out of work last night at 11:30, and I wasn't having the best day. It was freezing and there was this car parked beside mine. Talk about being a little freaky since there were two people sitting in it just staring at me. It wasn't until I got to my door and saw Beth that I realized that they were friends and they were there to see me.

Nelly is my best guy friend. We've gone through a lot considering we've only known each other seriously for a couple months. He helped me get through a lot and tomorrow he'll be in Arkansas(right? I hope so or I don't look like a good friend) at a new job. I was sad because I wasn't going to see him before he left due to me working.

He is sweet. I'll be the first to praise him, and I needed to see him and Beth. It's been way to long. It's amazing that little things like stalking me at work until I got out would mean so much to me. Thank you Beth for convincing him I wouldn't be creeped out. Haha, and Nelly.

Nelly. I'll miss you. You've been such a rock in my life. You helped me get through lots and I'll never forget all the amazing things you've done for me.

Driving behind me to make sure I got home safe, dropping everything to pick me up as I walked around the neighborhood alone, buying Prince of Egypt for me. AW!!! Driving to Wyoming overnight just so we could have time to talk. Involving me in your life as you tried to get over she who must not be named. And most importantly making me realize that I am worth something, and that I won't be rejected for showing my true self.

I wish you the best, and I hope one day you can find someone that does for you what you did for me. Thanks for being the most amazing guy I've ever known. You've given me faith that there are still nice guys out there.
You have a special place in my heart Nelly!

I said I'd make sure my loved ones knew how I felt, and it's gonna happen with you. You are like a brother to me Nelly, and I love you, and I can't wait to see you again.

Peace and love Nelly! You'll do amazing. :)

Analyze this!

So I have found that every night before I doze off into dream world my mind drifts towards my life and how to make myself a better person.

Recently I realized that I have a way of snubbing people off when I feel that I am not wanted. I am so concerned about feeling worth something to people at least enough that I am remembered.

I've looked back on my life and I liked a guy and would text him every now and then. With each occasion we carried on a nice conversation until a few texts in he would say he unfortunately didn't have my number in is phone and wanted to know who it was that he was texting.

To me it meant 1 thing. I jumped to the conclusion that I wasn't remembered because I wasn't worth a thing to this guy. From occurrences like this I came to base my self worth on what others thought of me.

I would be nice to this guy when I felt he remembered me and then snub him off after each time he said he didn't have my number which made me seem bipolar. Through that it made me feel less worth something because he wanted less to do with me.

My point in telling this to the internet community...or at least those that read my blog is that the only one that can decide your worth is in fact yourself.

So what if a person doesn't like you enough to remember you? Out of the thousands of people a day you come in contact with you can't make all of them love you. In fact if you were to meet every person on the planet throughout your life there is a high probability that at least 50% of people won't click with you. It's a fact of life, and this guy although may have been a victim of my misplaced worth, shouldn't have been a part of my life, or my attention.

I can be offended by his actions, but I shouldn't take them to heart because he is the one that missed out on getting to know me, and through this experience I've come to realize that each person has something to offer others. Each person needs a friend, and each person deserves to have those around them lift them up rather then have them doubt themselves.

My point dear readers is that you are all a gift. You may be a blessing in disguise to someone. You are a life changing part in those around you.

You may not realize who you help, and you may never find out who you've helped in this life, but it doesn't matter. The important part of this life is to find yourself happy each night at the things you've accomplished throughout the day.

Think of all the people in the world that you can affect just by keeping your head up, smiling at those around you, and saying hi.

There may be someone out there that feels they aren't loved, but YOUR hello may mean more than you think.

So the things I've learned from my analysis is that you need to...
1. Set your own self worth, and don't let any of the negative influences tear you down.
2. Share your happiness with others, and try to project that happiness to others.
and 3. Be yourself, and if someone doesn't like you, it's there loss, not yours.

I love you guys. Even if I don't say it all the time, each one of you has affected me in some positive way. Just by reading this blog it shows support, and that you care enough about me that you care what is going on in my life.

I hope that sharing my experiences with others helps those around me, and I've always wanted to do service to others. The goal on the top of my list was to use my experiences to help others.

I always wanted to travel the world, and build things for those in desolate places. I wanted to teach English to those that could have a better life for it, and all these big goals made me overlook all the good I can do to those here at home.

Don't let life pass you by. Live each day like it's your last, and share your happiness. Be a beacon to those that are lost, and accept people for who they are, not what you want them to be.

I'll try and say it right this time...

Oeph...finkle lama dama ding dong...or something like that is the new zodiac sign. That's right. I have no idea how to pronounce it but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's spiffy nonetheless. I brought my laptop to work so that I could work on my story during slow times, but alas I forgot to grab my thumb drive this morning and silly me forgot to save a whole whopping 20 pages onto my computer. I don't want to rewrite anything so I have had to resort to other fun things while I wait for people to traverse through this icky weather to get dry cleaning.

Some may laugh that people would venture through the gloom to get a shirt they dropped off a couple days ago. Well apparently everyone believes this is the perfect time to pick it up, so thankfully it hasn't been insanely slow. During those dreadful slow times I've had time to look up the new zodiac info.

Now as most of you can tell I am a Cancer. Emotional, loving, intuitive, moody, touchy and unable to let go of things. Describes me to a T.

This new sign, although not being put into affect for those born before 2009, has gotten me thinking. As I read the qualities of Gemini which is my new sign I felt like I could cross off everything because none of it sounded like me. I mean witty?

This my friends is why I have a blog and why I'm funnier on facebook. I have time to think of scenarios and funny pictures in my head. If I talked about something that was hilarious on here in real life it would sound as bad as an elephant being stuck in my car engine.

Just so you know I spent 10 minutes trying to come up with something witty. My other options could have been:

As nagging as Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber having a baby that was determined to start it's own musical career.

As overplayed as the Proactiv commercials on TV.

As bland as the Shane Co diamond radio commercials.

As long winded as Sarah Palin.

...you get my point.

So as I read them and disagreed with the qualities listed I wondered how my previous zodiac could be so spot on. When I was growing did I have these qualities subconsciously forming because I believed that's what I had to be? Was it just a coincidence? Or could it be that there really is something going on with these things we like to call constellations?

It's things like this that have my pondering what's really going on. There are times when I believe that things are fated to happen, and times that I find are simply odd coincidences, or even sheer dumb luck. But the only thing I know for sure is that I don't know the answers to things, I'm not perfect, I get long winded, I'm judgemental, but most important of all is that I'm mortal. I may not be the smartest in the world or even the prettiest, but I share something in common with everyone. We all walk on this planet knowing almost nothing of the infinite knowledge that is out there. We are little bitty ameobas in the span of the universe, but we're living this life together, and I'm glad to be living it with the people I've met along my journey.

Alas I think that adding another zodiac is cool but random just like when they bonked off Pluto from the list of planets. That's like giving a kid a candy bar and letting them take a bite but then taking it away and chucking it at their head before pushing them in the mud. That little kid had so much going for him and then you crush his dreams. Way to go scientists! You ruined Pluto's dreams.


Jerks.