Thursday, April 19, 2012


I haven't been on this site for awhile. I actually have been having a pretty tough time lately.

Let me paint a picture for you.

I'm upstairs on my laptop lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. Downstairs there's a party. I hear people laughing, and I hear music. But what I hear most of all is the pounding, negative voice in my head.

I've been exhibiting old behaviors from the days when I binged, and ate my feelings, from the days that I weighed over 200 pounds, and couldn't figure out how to lose it.

I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and remembered that I used to have this blog to write out my feelings, so I got on and started reading over my last couple posts. I'm ashamed to say that I started crying like a baby.

I want to know where that person has gone, and how I somehow lost contact with her.

I have an amazing supportive boyfriend, an apartment, a job, a car, two legs to walk, and my family and friends. I have NO reason to be as stressed, or anxious, or paranoid as I am.

About 2 weeks ago I started to go back to my old ways and tonight my friends is the night that I ate SO much junk that my stomach is throbbing and pushing against my ribcage causing some discomfort. This was how it used to be, and I thought that I'd moved on from this point.

I read over my last post and I get SO frustrated because I finally thought I'd beaten this disorder.

I want to go downstairs and join in on the party again, but I can't seem to get my legs to move. I want to take back the last hour and instead of reaching for the burger and chips get a glass of water. I knew when I started getting help that this fight would never truly be over, and yet it doesn't seem fair.

How is it that some people can not worry? How is it that everyone can overeat a night and realize they shouldn't have eaten so much and eat normal the next day?

Yet here I am. I overate this morning, felt sorry for myself, and decided to just eat a small dinner...which turned into a burger with cheese, potato chips, a couple cookies, and some fudge sticks. I know that this isn't really an upbeat post but I just want help...and I feel like this was always a place I could get venting, and by writing how I felt.

I know that I'll be better again, and I know that I'll relapse again, but I just hope that I can get through this hard place and move towards that girl in my last posts. The one that I loved.